Friday, August 7, 2009

New Pieces

Another Matter

I lie in
blue blades
of grass
beneath my skin
I gaze out, up
Into the
Cloud filled
like a pup
I’ve seen them
romp around
The meadows
Blown bubbles
sung songs
I’m free here
in those moments
Of surrender
I belong
Possess this
Mastery of words,
my mind
I’m free now
Of my
memories of you
In this I find
A brand new
sense of pleasure
What would you think
of that
To know I’ve morphed
Into a goddess
No longer known
As your


I've been trying to shave away some old coping patterns but I've realized over the past week that I haven't really defined what my new patterns are. You might be able to tell from my previous post that I've been doing a little bit of reading about Picasso, who said "Every act of creation is first an act of destruction. " I believe the running is good for that. Now I just need to find some good visual models of where it is that I want to be headed, because a lot of times, I realize that I have a hard time envisioning myself as I am. I don't know if that's a blessing, or a curse. On one side, it makes me feel very disconnected from the present, and I feel like I'm missing out on some opportunities for spiritual attunement as a result. But also, I do understand, and this is the positive side of it, that it gives me very positive things to work toward. I took a couple of photographs this weekend at the Kentucky Social Justice Forum :


learn more about the Kentucky Social Justice Forum in the article covering the event here:


And something about these women definitely captivated me. I think it may be the first time in like a decade that I've met some pretty extraordinary women my age. I get a sprinkling here and there, but back in 2002, the women that I hung out with that had this incredibly vibrant energy were older than me. Nadia, Maria, Meg, were all very strong and intelligent women, and come to think of it, they were probably back then, what I am now to some of the women that I go to school with. Because I definitely knew Nadia to be pensive at times, Maria to be contemplative, and Meg to be very strong willed at times. Instantly I caught that same energy and really of all of the participants and it's helped me realized a few things.



I spend a lot of time worrying about things, but it wasn't until I began to use this pattern toward something more productive, toward working on my own self-discipline that I was able to get anything rewarding out of the experience. I also spend time researching and studying other people and cultures because I keep feeling as if I'm seeking to find that one thing that is going to eradicate all of the bs from my life and allow me to live deeper, to experience my life much fuller. I remember that I'm frequently stumbling across, through my meditative studies information on kundalini, chakras, and vedas and sort of questioning how these energetic centers affect me in practice. I think the only reason that it occurs to me is because of my celibate lifestyle, and I've been thinking about whether going to such an extreme is necessary. I know that I have to spend a lot of time sublimating this energy and my body is not having it some days. I'm at that primary age when biologically I should be nesting and nurturing and embracing that motherhood stage, but I'm just not prepared for it. Psychologically I think that I've achieved that place and level of responsibility a while ago, but because I'm not financially secure, or accomplished I question whether I will be able to get things together in time to hop on the mommy track by the time my clock runs out. I don't know.

The truth is, I haven't even been on a man track in years. I'm not really into the idea of being out there for the emotional roller coaster of the dating pool, so I've been strategically trying to align myself somewhere that I can still continue to pursue my dreams. But after a point, when you dreams begin to translate into reality, if you stop to assess things before you get where it is that you're going, you tend to sabotage yourself into getting discouraged by the realities. I think that's where I've been because I'm not doing enough of what I committed to because I'm too busy trying to keep up with really petty stuff, like crushes and whatnot that I'm squandering other gifts that I have. Why am I writing about boys or people that have hurt me, or moving past heartache when I could be writing about discovering joy, about persevering through hardship or making a difference in someone's life? It's because I have a very limited knowledge of these things. It was only a few weeks ago that I realized that loving someone or something is about honoring those things and people and caring more about what you are giving to those things than to what you get from them.

I've spent so long trying to heal from things that I'm like stuck in scanning mode, looking for things to work on simply because that I've conditioned myself to do that that it's hindering my ability to experience the joy that I'm supposed to be experiencing right now in knowing that I'm happy. I really am happy. I just don't know how to express it without being all manic about it, so I've just been trying to honor it in silence. Now that I've been sort of acclimated to the CQ10 I no longer experience the richness and depth of the euphoria I felt being happy, which for many years I'd associated with mystical experiences. But there is much more stillness there now in my actions, mannerisms and mind.

Occasionally I'll be lying on the floor in my room while one of my friends blows bubbles and I'll kick one "chuck norris style" or make mongolian barbecue and have a moment of presence that lingers for a while bringing me contentment. but most times, these days, i feel so much more staunch, typing, designing, photoshopping, playing with cryptograms, checking out books from the library, watching movies, writing, when really i just want to be outside. i'm afraid to go out there, it's been so hot and bright. i read somewhere else recently that many women experience more health problems in the summer, and there must be something linked to the increased oxidation due to gamma radiation that is causing these hormonal imbalances. aside from my dreams being a bit odd and obsessive, and i know they're linked to sexual repression, everything has been pretty "mediocre" for me. It's been an adjustment to make living without the euphoria. I miss it, and perhaps that is why i've been looking for reasons to get worried.

i typically tell myself if i feel myself getting down or depressed that if something happens and i spend all of my time obsessing about it, or complaining, whether it's "waiting for a phone call" or the cancellation of a spiritual pilgrammage, that I'm not spending my time most effectively. i squandering energy that could be better spent, and that the solution is for me to go out, find something to give myself to, and sublimate that energy. i don't want to be a slave to anything that is going to consume me, be it love, disappointment, fear, or anything. because it means that it hinders my ability to master my own self discipline. I have a few B's on my transcripts now, and they are there because at some point I lost my focus (yes B stands for boys) and then I spent the rest of the semester paying for it. I don't want to live my life like that, a slave to baser instincts and mismanagement of urges.

So while I was in the shower this morning, I was thinking that I need to reassess my chakras to see where that energy is going. It doesn't mean I block off energy in those areas, but I definitely need to set a mental vision of how I use these centers, how I focus them so that I can begin to use these areas as more of a gift.

Muladhara, or Root Chakra:

The first chakra: also called "the root chakra", or “Muladhara”, is located at the base of the spine. It is linked to survival instincts and our ability to ground ourselves in the physical world. Blockage manifests as paranoia, and defensiveness.

Behavioral Characteristics

If a person with tightened jaws and fists refuses to live in accordance with the natural laws that govern his body, he will create further karma, or worldly entanglement. His sense and work organs will only serve to bring confusion and pain in exchange for temporary gratification. Once a person begins to act in harmony with these natural laws, he will no longer waste energy or pollute his sensory awareness with over-indulgence. Such a person will act wisely and with moderation, exploring his body and mind as vehicles of liberation from the lower realms.

Normally a child from the ages of one to seven years acts out of "first-chakra" motivations. The earth is being grasped as a new experience. The infant must ground himself and establish the laws of his world, learning to regulate his patterns of eating, drinking, and sleeping as the proper behavior necessary for securing his worldly identity. The young child will be self-centered and highly concerned with his own physical survival... (read more here)

Svadhisthana, or Sacral, Chakra

The second chakra, located just beneath the navel, and related to our sexual and reproductive capacity. Blockage manifests as emotional problems or sexual guilt.

Behavioral Characteristics

Normally a person between the ages of eight and fourteen acts from second-chakra motivation. He will sleep eight to ten hours nightly, in a fetal position. In terms of the elements, the earth is dissolved into water. Instead of standing alone and defensive, as he did in first chakra, the child begins to reach out to his family and friends for physical contact. The imagination increases. Once the need for food and shelter is met, the person is free to visualize any environment or circumstance that he desires. Sensuality enters into relationships as a new awareness of the physical body evolves.

The desire for physical sensations and mental fantasies can be a problem for the person at this level. Gravity causes water to flow downward, and thus, the second chakra can have a downward, whirlpool effect on the psyche, causing a person to be restless and confused. The body and mind have natural limitations which must be respected and understood if the person is to remain healthy and balanced. Eating, sleeping, and sex must be regulated in order to attain a harmonious, peaceful state of body and mind.

A second chakra person often pretends to be a prince, lord, or hero. He changes roles, maintains high self-esteem, and is chivalrous. Every culture produces an abundance of stories and poems heralding these royal heroes, destroyers of evil... (read more here)

Manipura (aka Nabhi), or Solar Plexus Chakra

Located behind the solar plexus, which gives us a sense of our personal power in the world. Blockage manifests as anger or a sense of victimization.

Behavioral Characteristics

Between the ages of fourteen to twenty-one a person is ruled by Manipura Chakra. The motivation energy of this chakra impels the person to develop his ego, his identity in the world.

A person dominated by the third chakra will strive for personal power and recognition, even to the detriment of family and friends. Such a person will sleep from six to eight hours nightly, on his back.

The plane of Manipura Chakra encompasses karma, charity, atonement for one's errors, good company, bad company, selfless service, sorrow, the plane of dharma, and the celestial plane.

Dharma is the timeless law of nature that interconnects all that exists. By remaining true to one's nature, relationships with others will be more stable and clear. The balance for Manipura Chakra is selfless service, that is, serving without desire for reward. The practice of charity will clarify one's path of action, or karma. Every person must be aware of his actions in order to achieve a balance in his life. Once this balance is attained, the person may enter the celestial plane of illumination.

Fire, Ego identity, oriented to self-definition. This chakra is known as the power chakra, located in the solar plexus. It rules our personal power, will, and autonomy, as well as our metabolism. When healthy, this chakra brings us energy, effectiveness, spontaneity, and non-dominating power. Power... (read more here).

Anahata, or Heart, Chakra

The heart chakra, which gives us the ability to express love. Blockage can manifest as immune system or heart problems, or a lack of compassion.

Behavioral Characteristics

From twenty-one to twenty-eight years of age one vibrates in Anahata Chakra. One becomes aware of his karma, his life's actions. Bhakti, or faith, is the motivating force as one strives to achieve balance on all levels. This person sleeps from four to six hours nightly, on his left side.

The deer of Anahata Chakra runs swiftly, changing direction often, with an angular path. Similarly, a person in love may have the qualities and tendencies of a deer, such as dreamy eyes, restless wandering, and swift flight. When these come under control all emotional disturbances cease.

Anahata Chakra encompasses *sudharma* (apt or right religion), good tendencies, and the planes of sanctity, balance, and fragrance. Purgatory may be experienced in Anahata Chakra when negative karmas are enacted. Clarity of conscience is the illumination of the pure one who has developed good tendencies and has sanctified his life to Jana Loka, the human plane.

Air, Social identity, oriented to self-acceptance. This chakra is called the heart chakra and is the middle chakra in a system of seven. It is related to love and is the integrator of opposites in the psyche: mind and body, male and female, persona and shadow, ego and unity. A healthy fourth chakra allows us to love deeply, feel compassion, have a deep sense of peace and centeredness. Our heart and our love.

Governs love, compassion, mediates between higher and lower planes of being, healing, lungs (breath, prana), sense of time ,and the area of relationships in your life... ( to read more here).

Visuddha, or Throat, Chakra

Located in the throat, directly tied to creativity and communication. Blockage manifests as problems like laryngitis or sore throats, creative blocks or general problems communicating with others.

Behavioral Characteristics

One who enters Vishudda Chakra becomes master of his entire self. Here all elements (tattvas) dissolve into pure and self-luminous akasha. Only the tanmatras remain--the subtle frequencies of those elements.

Five work organs are employed in the creation of all karmas: hands, feet, mouth, sex organs, and anus. In addition, there are five koshas (sheaths) of consciousness: the gross, the moving, the sensory, the intellectual, and the feeling. Five is the number of balance, one with two on either side. Being an odd number, five is linked with the solar numbers. The ruling planet of Vishudda Chakra is Jupiter, which in Sanskrit is called Guru, the one who imparts knowledge.

Earth dissolves into water and remains in the second chakra as the essence of smell. Water evaporates in the fiery third chakra and remains as the essence of taste. The form of fire enters the fourth chakra and remains there as the essence of form and of vision. The air of the fourth chakra enters into akasha and becomes pure sound. Akasha embodies the essence of all five elements; it is without color, smell, taste, touch, or form--free of any gross elements.

Vishudda Chakra governs between the ages of twenty-eight and thirty-five. The person motivated by the fifth chakra sleeps from four to six hours nightly, changing sides.

The distracting nature of the world, the senses, and the mind ceases to be a problem. Supreme reasoning overcomes the elements and the emotions of the heart. The person will seek only that knowledge which is true, beyond the limitations of time, cultural conditioning, and heredity. The main problem encountered in the fifth chakra is negative intellect, which may occur through the ignorance of using knowledge unwisely... (to read more click here).

Ajna, or Third Eye, Chakra

"The third eye." Located between the eyebrows, this chakra is the seat of intuition and awareness. Blockage manifests as sinus or eye problems.

Identity and Effects of Meditation

One who meditates on this chakra and stops the downward flow of this amrita, or nectar--by performing khechari mudra (*khe*, the ether; *chari*, "moving")--becomes immortal in this physical body. He is able to stop the process of aging, and thus he remains ever young and full of vitality and stamina. He obtains victory over disease, decay, and death, and enjoys eternal bliss through the union of Shiva and Shakti--the ultimate goal of Kundalini yoga.

Khechari mudra enhances the upward flow of energy, and the yogi is able to stay in Gagana Mandala, or Shunya Mandala, "the void", that is the hollow space between the twin hemispheres, which is known as the tenth gate of the body. It is located within Sahasrara, the seventh chakra. Soma Chakra is located in alignment with the middle of the forehead and is the seat of soma (the moon), amrita (nectar), and Kamadhenu. The color of Kamadhenu is white; her face is of a crow; her forehead is ahamkara (ego); and her eyes are human, of Brahmic nature. She has the horns of a cow, the neck of a horse, the tail of a peacock, and the wings of a white swan (hamsa).

“Soma”, represented by the face with a chakra on the forehead, is sometimes considered a separate chakra, associated with the mental clarity to achieve enlightenment. It is located between the Ajna and Sahasrara chakras.

Located above the third eye in the center of the forehead, the soma chakra refers to the "nectar", *amrita*, of the lotus of twelve petals in the center of which rests the crescent moon, the source of nectar.

Light, Archetypal identity, oriented to self-reflection. This chakra is known as the brow chakra or third eye center. It is related to the act of seeing, both physically and intuitively. As such it opens our psychic faculties and our understanding of archetypal levels. When healthy it allows us to see clearly, in effect, letting us "see the big picture." Intuitive... (to read more click here).

Sahasrara, or Crown, Chakra

The seventh chakra: "the crown chakra", located at the top of the head. This is related to one's personal spiritual connection to the universe. Blockage manifests as psychological problems.

Meaning, Plane, Effects of Meditation

The thousand petalled lotus, which represents the plane of truth and reality, is like an umbrella of petals with all the colors of the rainbow, and the yogi identifies Self as the guru within.


Radiation: Light, fire, or sight in it's finest essence. The yogi becomes illuminated like the sun. His aura of light is continually radiant.

Primal Vibrations: Om is the first sound, continuing infinitely. Here the frequency of AUM becomes manifest within the yogi.

Gaseous Plane: The yogi attains supremacy over prana, which becomes so subtle that all of the prana (life force) within his body is said to be thumb-sized; if one were to bring a piece of glass in front of the yogi's nose, no condensation would deposit on it (haole, ha a`ole--no breath)

Plane of Positive Intellect: All value judgments or dualistic perceptions must be balanced, or negative intellect, the negation of the divine, may arise within the mind.

Happiness: Arises when a proper balance in body, psyche, and mind is established.

Laziness: May occur when the yogi attains a state of bliss, only to stop all action: when he goes into a state of “Samadhi”, the physical body becomes totally inactive.

Effects of Meditation:

Immortality is attained within Sahasrara Chakra. Before attaining this chakra the yogi is unable to reach the unconscious-conscious state called “asama-prajnata-samadhi”. In this state there is no activity of the mind and no knower, no knowledge, nothing to be known: knowledge, knower, and known all become unified and liberated.

Samahdi is the pure bliss of total inactivity. Up to the sixth chakra the yogi may enter a trance in which activity or form still remains within the consciousness. In Sahasrara Chakra the prana moves upward and reaches the highest point. The mind establishes itself in the pure void of Shunya Mandala, the space between the two hemispheres. At this time all feelings, emotions, and desires which are the activities of the mind, are dissolved into their primary cause. The union is achieved. The yogi is “sat-chit-ananda”, truth-being-bliss. He is his own real self, and as long as he stays in his physical body, he retains non-dual consciousness, enjoying the play of “lila”, the temporal world, without becoming troubled by pleasure and pain, honors and humiliations.

When the Kundalini is raised up to Sahasrara Chakra, the illusion of "individual self" is dissolved. The yogi becomes realized, one with the cosmic principles that govern the entire universe within the body. He obtains all “siddhis”, powers, up to Soma Chakra, where he encounters Kamadhenu, the wish-fulfilling cow within himself. He is a “siddha”, but has transcended the desire to manifest those wishes.

According to the “shastras”, Sahasrara is the seat of the self-luminescent soul, or “chitta”, the essence of being. Here, chitta is like a screen upon which the reflection of the cosmic Self is seen, and through it the divine is reflected. In the presence of the cosmic Self it is possible for anyone to feel the divine and indeed to realize the divinity within himself.

Thought, Universal identity, oriented to self-knowledge. This is the crown chakra that relates to consciousness as pure awareness. It is our connection to the greater world beyond, to a timeless, spaceless place of all-knowing. When developed, this chakra brings us knowledge, wisdom, understanding, spiritual connection, and bliss. Spirit.

Lives in an Extended State of Consciousness and Attains Enlightenment... (to read more click here).

I'm going to spend a bit of time meditating on these and setting up some comprehensive goals so that I stay on track. I think I've been living out of my head, all of my little quizzes say that I am ruled by the crown chakra, but as I strive to apply more of this new found knowledge and awakening into life, I find myself ping-ponging back and forth through the others not knowing exactly where to direct this energy. No worries, though. I'll have everything sorted out soon.

“Africa is not poor; it is poorly managed”.


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