I absolutely LOVE this site!  It's impossible to stay discouraged when you have access to this awesome page.  I wish they had a way for me to reblog their posts because they are ABSOLUTELY wonderful -- and oddly enough very timely!  If you haven't had the opportunity, be sure to check out the daily truths & inspirations from their segment "A Little Bird Told Me" from the Brave Girl's Club

Failure to Launch...

"whaaaat! you mean after 4 years of college, plus that other two years of college, 51.75 credits, 1320 hours of labor (just from berea), 55 convocations, 5 clubs, 4 honor societies, 1 city commission, 3 university governance committees, and 2 student government assemblies ya'll are just going to hand me this degree? uh oh! somebody must have slipped up! ...lOl." ...but seriously, even though it took me 12 years to graduate i'm incredibly grateful for the education that i received at Berea College, Ecosa Institute and Michigan State University - SPARTANS. Thank you so much to the three of these institutions for the valuable education as well as the degree! : )

That's right.... THIS girl FINALLY graduated from College! = )

Now that I've had a good month or so to recharge and eradicate some of those end of the semester college behaviors: (e.g. frantic work-a-holism, untidy living space, and diet of processed foods, etc.) I have begun to work upon taking the next toward finding work. I lucked out and happen to be in a unique position where I am house-sitting for some administrators on sabbatical, which gives me the freedom to sort out and list my expectations for the next step in life. And it's been good. I know that had I rushed to try and find a job during the hectic time we're all faced at by the end of senior year; it would just have been a disaster. But we'll get into that some other time.  It occurred to me that since there seemed to be a recent trend of graduates who were having difficulty finding employment, and all of the websites I consulted about freelance work for public relations professionals suggested that I blog what I'm an expert about, I thought that I'd blog about this.  You want to know what it's like for a recent college graduate to find work, then I thought I'd just give a few highlights of how my own personal journey works out, complete with implementation strategies for job seeking and so on...

I'll try to include little tidbits about my background as well, so you can see how that may or may not impact my capacity to find, or create work.  Hopefully, now that I no longer have a boyfriend to invest all my time writing "Dear John" letters to, I will be able to remain consistent with it.  But enough about that.

Are you intrigued yet?  You should be.

There's a lot of info embedded into my personal story that may or may not leak out, which you may find utterly captivating.  But I didn't want to provide too much info too soon because I want you to take me seriously.  Is it weird that this is where the beginning ends up?  Didn't we all go to college so that we could finally be taken seriously?  I was kind of a late bloomer and didn't realize until it was too late that I was walking out of one form of institutionalization into another form, when all I really wanted to do was develop technical proficiency and learn to replicate work that I found inspiring and innovate.  But sometimes life can have other plans...

Anyhoo, enough of my cryptic rants.

I spent day 1 of the "actively seeking employment" process trying to identify jobs within walking distance of where I live.  I don't have a car and in order to save up for a car I'd need some source of income.  I applied to work at the college since I'm still in the town where I went to school, but I received that crushing email a couple of days ago telling me that the position had been filled.  I looked on the staff vacancies page in order to see if I could find another position that would fit my desire to learn as I work and meet the requirements I would need to have some kind of a respectable work/life balance.  I noticed that the site had a vacancy posted that was similar to what I'd applied for; administrative assistant position.  But after I read the position for the evening coordinator position I realized that I was probably less suited for this position because the night shift required that I have pool maintenance experience, which admittedly I just don't have.

It was very tragic.  : )  I was really looking forward to getting that job.  Event planning, coordinating logistics, keeping detailed spreadsheets of budgets, integrating new task management software, and cloud sourcing the student scheduling were all areas that I would have been proficient in.  I also had much higher administrative skills assessment scores than most of the other applicants.  In fact I was told that I was 1 of only 5 applicants out of the broad number who applied to be interviewed, so although I was crushed not to get the coveted 8-5 office position, I certainly could not take the rejection personally.  As incredible as my resume was and how smoothly the interview went; I knew half of the interviewers and had done some exceptional work with them before, and I had prior experience in public relations, marketing and sales as well as working for an athletic facility.  So I understood that if they didn't select me for the position, it wouldn't be because I wasn't qualified to perform the job, it was because someone else who applied the position must have blown them away. 

After receiving the email informing me that I didn't get the position, I contemplated whether it would be prudent to reapply for the evening position.  This was partly because the realistic part of me worried that they might question my judgment, but the optimistic part of me wanted to believe that I might just be able to convince them that I had such a strong work ethic and commitment toward good sportsmanship and my work ethic that I could objectively put the prior rejection aside.  And either way I was prepared to sell myself as a person of strong moral character.  I was going to have to be really sincere about it.  Oddly enough, the dis qualifiers in the second listing kind of came as a relief.  I was in the process of working out whether I would genuinely be able to set the prior oversight aside and after much prayer I rationalized the hell out of going for it again.  I've since rationalized that I am incredibly grateful for the opportunity not to potentially make an ass out of myself, even though I am just slightly bummed I didn't get a chance to go for the position again.      

"Fall down seven times, get up eight"

~Japanese Proverb

So after a dear friend of mine and beloved barista talked me out of applying as a bus boy position just to have some revenue coming in, stating; "it will suffocate your soul..." I checked my bank balance to make sure that I had enough savings to cover my bills for the upcoming month (approx. $60 in utilities and $30 for a pre-paid phone bill).   Then I spent today going through the local chamber of commerce directory to see which jobs might have the kind of work experience I might be interested in, if I were working as a co op or externship so that I could modify and customize my cover letters.  I also bookmarked the Americorp site in case any of these potential employers might be persuaded to create an americorp position if they like my work and want to keep me around at minimal risk.  I mean I really don't need much to live, at least until the fall anyway.  I have veggies growing in the garden and I am a phenomenal shoe-string foodie and cook; perhaps I'll post pics of some of my summer meals later.  I just need enough to sustain my Ale 8 habit and occasionally buy medication which costs me $40 a month.

Ideally I'd like to be able to save up enough to pay back my student loans or pay a deposit and traveling expenses if it turns out that at some point I need to leave.  But that's it.  My clothes, although professional come from clothing swaps and thrift stores.  With my medication I'm no longer allowed to drink beer (I know, sad day).  So right now, I live simply enough that don't really need all that much. 

But unfortunately because I haven't really set any standards for what I want to aspire toward, aside the whole work/life balance thing, I have way too many options and also NO options.  If I'm willing to relocate, the world becomes my oyster.  But I must admit that after spending 4 years running around like a chicken with my head cut off, and spreading myself thin, running clubs, carrying study groups, supervising students, and eeking out innovative and cutting edge research and design projects, I am having to relearn how to function without the college... I am learning how to chart a course without an already established list of responsibilities or predetermined roles.  I have been trained to be a worker, to follow orders, to strategically plan and carry out functions, but I have not been taught how to find the kind of jobs that are going to value what I have to offer, which kind of freaks me out.  What am I, if not a work horse?

I spent the first month after graduation just trying to figure that out.  I learned a lot during that process of emptying myself of all of those preconceived notions of what others think I should be.  But what I realized afterward, is that as much as I enjoyed taking that much needed break, I knew that I needed to have a stronger understanding of that so I would know how to sell myself to take on my new roles.  But what is my new role?  And this is where the job search comes in...

One of the two major things that I'd been doing to pass the time here is that I started the ONE service project I am giving myself permission to take on.  It's called called the Yellow Ribbon Project that I'm using as a research platform to develop a self help resource guide for vets.

I'm using this project to learn more about social media marketing strategy so that I can learn how to build an effective brand. I have other reasons for doing it, which I find to be more important, but I don't know that I'm ready to discuss those reasons here... well at least not just yet.  ; )

Interestingly enough, this project has taught me some really valuable principles that I hope will prove helpful during my job search.  The first little helpful bit of advice that really resonated from my work online was this:

|  Job search tip no. 1 comes from Simon Chan: "DON'T BE A PERFECTIONIST - Don't let the quest for Perfection lead to inactivity. Just Do It and the lessons you learn from your mistakes will allow you to make the next version way better than if you sat there trying to make it perfect the first time... " - Simon Chan

Higher Awareness Tip of the Day

“The law of abundance is that everything replicates after its own kind. Like is attracted to like. If you want more wealth, concentrate of wealth; think thoughts of abundance and wealth.”

-- Delfin Knowledge System

How to Best Approach Anxiety Stress Relief

Source: EHOW

By Jin Li

Anxiety stress relief can help many people with excessive tension in their daily lives. With the globalization and intense work environments, many people experience overwhelming pressure both in their work and personal lives. It can damage us in so many ways physically and emotionally. Physically, it weakens our immune system and make us prone to many diseases. Emotionally, it pressures our minds and make us very tired to carry on our daily routine. Anxiety stress relief techniques can help us cope better with intense pressures.

Instructions

1. Step 1

   One of the best anxiety stress relief techniques is to talk to an understanding friend about your stress and anxiety. When people tell someone about their difficult situation, it will automatically relieve some of their stress. It is just the way our body works. That's the reason why woman cope with stress better than man. They are better at communicating their problems.

2. Step 2

   Another anxiety stress relief technique is to have a pet. According to the experts, people that have pets are happier and deal with stressful situations better than those without. Animals are our best friends indeed.

3. Step 3

   One anxiety stress relief technique that is widely used by women: retail therapy. Although shopping relieves our stress, we shouldn't do it too often because spending money on a routine basis is bad for our finances and retirement.

4. Step 4

   Another anxiety stress relief technique is by relaxing your body. Take a hot shower will help relax those tense muscles and help you fall asleep better. Right before going to bed, sit in your chair and listen to some calming music. It will help put your body in a sleeping mode.

5. Step 5

   Manage your stress by regularly exercising. Take a yoga class at your local gym to help your body anxiety stress relief.

"Being poor is a frame of mind."

-- Mike Todd

Daily Stress From Your Work Routine

Source: Work Place Stress

How much Daily Stress From Your Work Routine
do you have?

When you go to work do you run, run, run and seem to
get little done with only a headache or sore muscles
at the end of the day?

Your work routine may be causing you unnecessary
Stress. Here are a few things to help with the stress.

Schedule your work routine with a break so you can
relax and get refreshed, then return to work with a
fresh, relaxed mind. You don’t need an hour or two,
just take a few minutes through out the day to relieve
your Stress.

Have you ever noticed that when you are in a time
crunch your mind fills up with racing thoughts and it
gets harder to think clearly?

Information overload is the cause, your brain can only
work on one thing at a time and you are trying to work
and also keep track of the time. To break the habit of
always working in a time crunch, break down large
tasks into smaller manageable steps with a short break
between each step..

If you can’t break the task down try to do the task
early in the day while you are still relaxed and your
mind is uncluttered. Then when you need a break do a
small easy or repetitive task that will rest your mind
from heavy thinking before returning to the big task.

Sometimes a small change in your routine will yield
big benefits at the end of the day. Daily Stress from
Your Work Routine can be stop with a little planning
and a few rest breaks during the day.

I've been working on it. Trying to be more positive. There's still a little bit of backlash from my crash earlier this week. I failed a calculus quiz. But I worked so damn hard at it I think my professor felt sorry for me. He said that those who had good class attendance would get their lowest quiz and exam grades dropped. Good thing I kept going instead of hiding in my room all day, eh? Honestly, the thought crossed my mind. I even found myself thinking of just skipping town and going on a bender, which is odd only because I haven't done anything that reckless in 10 years. I'm getting closer to being caught up. And by getting closer I mean that my iscrybe is packed to the gills with scheduling. if you saw my schedule you'd want to cry. i mean it isn't even realistic, and I've dropped everything extracurricular that isn't mandatory... part of where the panic came from. I'm going to have to redefine me time to simply getting all of these assignments sorted out with a hot cup of tea (no chamomile, no refined sugar, no caffeine) and if I'm lucky, perhaps I can play a movie in the background during one of my assignments that doesn't take as much concentration. Like my oral presentation that I have to give on Tuesday on Origen of Alexander. I was fortunate to have been wise enough to compile 10 pages of info on him with the corresponding websites last week. I couldn't tell you where my partner went. Honestly, I think he fell off the wagon... which I prepared myself for.

Last night was a weird night. It seemed that just as I was saddling up again, other people were descending into their 1st round of mid semester breakdowns. Or preparing themselves. When the library closed (...I've been studying with the Africans and Tibetans to compensate for the TA thing because they're patient and they're good at math. But I don't want to wear out my welcome. They're only helping me to be kind...) I headed over to the cafe to do some chemistry, because I didn't trust myself to be in my room alone, and my RA was pretty shaken up because they'd killed George off of Grey's anatomy (which I definitely didn't see coming) and cranked out some of THE most focused and productive studying I've done. It did not help me have a clue what was going on during this afternoon's Chemistry quiz. It was quite simply the wording, and the fact that I have no way of keeping up with what's being said as I write it down. I've identified one source of the problem. Actually I encountered it first when I was assigned to cover a convocation on the spot ( I wasn't even on the clock, nor did I have my equipment and my supervisor was being a jerk about it because I didn't just flat out say no... we won't go into that one).... but as I'm sitting there anxiety ridden, pissed because the request was not only unreasonable as I had no time to prepare, but also because the convocations are literally the only time I get to space out for a second... to just stop. When I say I have no free time, I literally have no free time. Save the 20 minutes I allot myself to throw these posts up (which accounts for the bulk of the grammatical errors).

Plus the guy was my friend and instead of upsetting him, I simply shut down and I guess he called himself flagging me down afterward while a friend of mine was talking me out of an anxiety attack and he overheard the parts I said, not about him as a person, but about the request being unreasonable. So now I have that on the brain as well. So yes, on paper everything is a total train wreck. And I have to crash for an hour or two just to create more hours in the day... well and to move forward from whatever the previous fiasco was at the time. But I got everything done that I could possibly do. But it wasn't good enough. And that hurts. I think that's what I've been dwelling on and it's stripping away my ability to focus upon the broader spectrum.

While I was updating my schedule on iscrybe I stumbled across my yearly goals on the thoughtpad and I've accomplished everything this year I've set out to do except I regressed on the negativity part and that has only been out of panic. Verbally I'm no Debbie downer, but mentally Debbie Downer needs to be shut down. I think that was the only part of my healing process that I didn't have mapped out was how to integrate positive response to challenges into my routine. Repetitive motion leads imprints in our habits, in our neural networks and in our DNA. Things I used to do before I became ravaged of time that rejuvenated me were:

repetitive motion activities:

• drumming
• poetry
• macrame
• mandala pics
• daily routines (like eating meals at specific times, or going to bed or exercising repeatedly)
• running
• meditating
• word games and puzzles: like anagrams, and cryptograms
• cooking
• washing dishes (I have Thich Nhat Hanh to thank for that one, because I used to not care for it very much.
• rafting
• hiking
• blowing bubbles ( I think it's associated with breath control as well as the motion)
• Typography
• Reading EcoTech & Innovative Design articles (my mind unfolds as I try to study how the pieces were constructed)
• I loved good wine (reading about it, pairing it with food, the aroma of it, swirling the glass)
• Yoga & Pilates
  

I could keep going on, but I haven't found that any of those activities work in the middle of class when I get a test back that I've failed, or better yet keep me calm while I try to make sense of what is on the test. But on my own I do remarkably well once I've been shown the correct way to do it. I'm like an elephant, but I'm very thorough. I need to really understand it if I am to remember it and sometimes the pace is a bit too much for me, especially since everyone seems to be moving at that pace and taking my out of class time too. I have to fabricate study time by altering my sleep schedule which is just (marginally healthy because I do make sure I sleep) but my REM cycle is only for a few hours at a time and I know I'm going to pay for it eventually.

Starting a meditation practice

All you need to start meditating are:

• A quiet environment. Choose a secluded place in your home, office, garden, place of worship, or in the great outdoors where you can relax without distractions or interruptions.
• A comfortable position. Get comfortable, but avoid lying down as this may lead to you falling asleep. Sit up with your spine straight, either in a chair or on the floor. You can also try a cross-legged or lotus position.
• A point of focus. Pick a meaningful word or phrase and repeat it throughout your session. You may also choose to focus on an object in your surroundings to enhance your concentration, or alternately, you can close your eyes.
• An observant, noncritical attitude. Don’t worry about distracting thoughts that go through your mind or about how well you’re doing. If thoughts intrude during your relaxation session, don’t fight them. Instead, gently turn your attention back to your point of focus.

The biggest things that are advocated for stress relief are mediation, mindful eating and exercise. I've only got time to do one of these things despite my better attempts to do the others. I started back exercising this morning and it helped for a bit. It's been to rainy to run outside, and it's about to get cold so I just ran the stairwell to my suite up and down a few flights. I think I did it about 8 or 9 times until I build up a sweat to see if I could expel some toxins. I got my music back. Youtube was being a bit tricky on me and wouldn't let me search through the playlists. I listed it on my other site so I wouldn't lose it again. Also, the Complete Idiots Guide to campus safety lists some good tips on page 209 (see ebook here) but the timing for our workloads may not always be feasible. meh! i suppose a person can only do so much, eh?

Fighting with Mutants

“Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens.”

--Carl Gustav Jung

I was thinking about this quote i scribbled down last night that says that "Buried destructive feelings or thoughts become destructive cell memories causing devastating sickness and diseases. The longer they are allowed to stay, the more serious they will hurt you and it will be harder to release them." I fell back into a very scary pattern this week. I didn't give up, but I definitely gave up faith in other people. I don't think it's a bad thing, but it's the way I approach the attitudes that reflect my realities that is ultimately going to make or break me. My apocolyptic vision of the entities that I've externally focused upon are not going to make me any more willing to be persistent through these disillusioning times. In fact, all of this doom and gloom has crippled is reflected by a culture that has nothing to do with what I eat, or my gender, or economic issues or the color of my skin. It has to do with the second I panic because I've stopped believing in something outside of myself, the higher the likelihood is that I will continue to feed my own destructive thoughts. I should have instead just rolled with it, only I found myself in the compromised position of resentfully having to discern how to do the right thing. It's compulsive, because I get myself into a lot of hairy situations and it is the one thing I can cling to some days. I tried to challenge that this week with the idea, that I'm being too hard on myself and I needed to allow myself to be human. But the people who told me that were wrong, because they define their humanity by their ability to become entitled to make mistakes regardless of the cost to themselves or other people. It's a very old message given to me by people who are no longer in my life for a reason.

But I define my sense of humanity by cultivating my ability to cognitively create and express the will to nobly create an existence among those with whom I connect... and nurture the will and build the ability of those in my community to see their own sense of worth so that they can see the strength and benefit of those values as they compassionately strive to seek to eradicate the suffering of others inflicted by those too weak to sustain themselves.

last night's FB status after crashing long enough to gain the will to saddle up again

PhiG has learned that sometimes it takes a breakdown to show us where we need to build strength. but it's far more productive to prevent such drama with appropriate levels of preparation.

It started with a cigarette. I had my first unshakable anxiety attack. It was calculus and all of the people who promised to help me were nowhere to be found. My options were to go to the TA... whose presence is a major trigger of anxiety for me... yet another thing that must be worked through, or find someone.... and I mean ANYONE else. (Long story that can't be shared). Anyway I'd been working on three calculus problems for about a week and had already passed the extension deadline to turn the work in. So at about 11pm I broke down, scribbled the problems down and headed off to the cafe for help. [A word about the cafe... People who barely pass classes study at the cafe. Those who attempt to study at the cafe either get distracted enough to learn not to go there because it yields completely useless efforts to get work done, or

I'm not a destructive person, but I'm still working through some very limiting beliefs. I'm positive that running helps. That night I hadn't and I really needed to focus upon getting the answers I needed. As predicted, there was none to be found and I was beginning to panic. So I did what is admittedly the last thing I probably should have done, but the one thing that would have given me the level of focus and chemical stimulation to stay awake. Evidently you can't smoke and be vegan and have things cancel out. The chemicals hit you harder because there's nothing in your system to counterbalance it. It's all been broken down and absorbed for nutrients, except the fiber, which is useless. (well I take that back. it helps you poop). so the chemicals simply oxidize into free radicals. And as the panic builds, so does the adrenaline in my system. So all of the antioxidants I eat are reconverting the oxidized adrenaline (adrenochrome) so that I'm not totally freaking out. But it does nothing to prevent oxidative stress, which actually damages and mutates my DNA.

That means that every time I fuel my negativity with panic, stress, negativity, I am literally imprinting my DNA to produce cells that trigger a fight or flight response, and when I break down (usually I just shut down out of determination to do neither.) I am actually winning that battle, but creating another. And the older I get, and the longer I get used to this pattern of anxiety and panic, the more that gets imprinted onto my DNA, because that's the history recorded there. [You read enough research journals and looking at the pictures that pertain to your medical condition, you're bound to piece everything together. I should have a master's in research]. What I have not figured out yet is what is being done practically to definitely prevent the oxidative stress, short of simplify my life. And so college has become both my greatest gift and biggest debilitation. Which is unfortunate, because I have a great aptitude for it when the resources are there for me to do well.

At 11pm the resources are kind of scarce. I was thinking they should have a branch of medicine that is just simply for the people who hate wasting time in the shrink's office where they can go and peruse the medical and research journals to understand the science of what is happening to them and researched treatments. I know the resources are out there, but it takes time to sift through abstracts and for terminology, and to reinterpret the terminology so that you understand it, and have enough information to match your own biorhythms to try to determine what works well for you. The vegan thing, the one thing that ensures that I am routinely monitoring all of that (you can feel every change in your body related to what you put in it when you don't have an intestine full of rotting carcass) and it has made such a difference in my ability to rebound. But there are many components to it; food sequencing, combination, exercise (which is where I dropped the ball this week) and research on not just the science, but the cognition and clarity that are most beneficial to granting me the resilience to carry forward. (It's a good sign I'm doing much better when I have the ability to construct hair brained ideas). A friend of mine, actually a friend to one of the administrators to whom I'm indebted for the kelp and barley supplements he gave me, told me something funny that I decided to take with a grain of salt, but now I'm going to have to really consider what he told me.



He said to me, "doctors don't know sh*t anymore." I thought that was just at the facilities for people who don't have insurance, but maybe they've lowered the standards because the demand for them has gotten so great. When I think of my last few doctors visits, I've simply been prescribed antipsychotics and home remedies. The last doctor didn't even know what neuroleptic malignant syndrome was but she was quick to dispense me boxes full of medication. There does seem to be a growing trend in this country for the pharmaceutical companies to define new illnesses that they supply the treatments for. ( ie ADHD, bipolar, restless legs syndrome, PMDD) and I question anything that is diagnosed that doesn't have any tangible measurable symptoms. It's like the food industry being controlled by the people who have gentically modified the food to be chemical filled and stripped of all the nutrients. If you can't afford to have food flown in from someplace virgin and exotic, then you're probably buying into that system. (another great incentive to stick with fresh locally grown veg... because at least you have an idea of what's in it) Hell, I got diagnosed with a couple of disorders and dispensed medications that almost killed me (on separate occasions) without having even seen a doctor. Ironically, I'd never had the symptoms until my mom's quack of a doctor prescribed me something without knowing anything about me. Then I just tripped a little bit further down the rabbit hole.

It has taken me tremendous persistence and a commitment to healing to even get this far, but without sufficient resources I will continue to find myself in the position of being at the mercy of those who are inadequately equipped or disinterested in looking out for the interest of people like me. They are all slaves to their own ignorance, I would like to think not intentionally, but the disadvantage of being aware of more than the other guy is that at the end of the day, you get stuck with the burden either way of accepting it, fighting, or working to educate the other guy... and some people prefer the convenience of their own

“There is a particular kind of pain, elation, loneliness, and terror involved in this kind of madness. When you're high it's tremendous. The ideas and feelings are fast and frequent like shooting stars...But, somewhere, this changes. The fast ideas are far too faast, and there are far too many; overwhelming confusion replaces clarity. Everything previously moving with the grain is now against-you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable...It will never end, for madness carves its own reality.”

--Kay Jamison

I've been considering this quote for a while and I realize it can be interpreted in many contexts. Especially for me. I just remind myself that this inner struggle has forced me to constantly strive for balance in what can seem like a crazy world. If I hadn't have found a community of people who shared my values I would probably question my own beliefs, but it appears that every day people are becoming more conscientious. But we are not the majority, nor will we be for a long time. So I should just embrace those who are a little more fully. I'm so freaked out about raising alarm in the status quo that I've become dependent upon those who are incapable of aiding me, and if we look around and look at the state of things, I should have realized a long time that it's useless to depend upon people who don't even care to take care of themselves. (Like actually take care of themselves... their health, resilience, etc. ) I used to think I was growing into the person I'd always aspired to be, but perhaps all of this adversity has simply mutated me that way. If that's the case I know now which areas to build to regain my sense of fulfillment and it certainly isn't tied up into other apathetic human beings. Lesson learned.

Dealing with Anxiety

Overcoming Negativity

Man, did I need this reminder. I've been a little bit off the past few days. I had a little bit of a relapse today... evidently repression is a major factor of it. I'd be glad to hear of any other activities that would be helpful. I made some alterations in my diet this week trying to use what I had to save time, and as well meaning as it was, it was not a good call. Hopefully I can restore some balance soon. I'm definitely going to have to schedule some time for rejuvenation daily or listen to some more dharma talks until I can get my emotions under control. The good news is, that the duration of my anxiety attacks has been lessened to an approximate span of about 30 minutes to an hour rather than several days or weeks. But I'm finding that without an appropriate outlet that I'm falling off the horse a little more frequently. The intensity isn't as bad, but I still have a lot to work on. Perhaps that's why they say it's a lifelong battle.

Consciousness Cleansing

I found this snippet from HERE. I thought that it sounded appropriate given everything that's going on.

What is a Spiritual Cleansing?

Spiritual Cleansing is a type of healing. A spiritual cleansing is not a medical treatment nor is it intended to take the place of one.

Spiritual Cleansings have three components. The first phase involves gathering information about the problem at hand. This part of the process occurs during the initial interview. I usually spend about an hour talking to the client about their presenting symptoms and associated concerns.


The second phase involves the spiritual analysis. In this phase of the cleansing, I examine the aura, soul structures, and associated energetic components of a client’s physical body. In order to do this I need a picture of the client and a sample of their writing. Sometimes I will request a piece of hair or personal item that they have handled. This allows me to tune in to their energies at an even deeper level. Over the years, I have developed a number of clairvoyant abilities that allow me to sense a variety of different forms of spiritual pathology. Many clients find that simply knowing about the true source of their problem is extremely helpful.


The third phase involves treatment recommendations for the problem(s) that are discovered during the consultation and analysis. There are three levels of cleansings that are available. Level One, Level Two, and Advanced.

Most people obtain spiritual cleansings for a number of reasons. The most common are:

1. Divorce -(especially nasty ones)

2. Repeated financial difficulty

3. Relationship/family problems of a recurrent nature

4. Unusual disturbances in the home or in the workplace

5. Prior to entering into deep spiritual/meditative work

6. Persistant Spiritual Disturbances

7. A feeling of heaviness and lethargy associated with intense negative energy.


A spiritual cleansing of this nature is something that should be repeated only once a year in most cases.

The site goes on to give try to hawk you some of their merchandise. But I think it's a good start. Particularly the stage that involves gathering information. Especially if you're serious about getting better. I've found that the internet is a valuable resource to get to the root of things. Youtube also has some great vids that can point you in the right direction. I am also a fan of reading, although I no longer have the time allocated for that purpose as I really need... part of the problem. But I do understand it is a process of getting all of this stuff sorted out. I've come a long way, but I won't pretend that I still don't have a very long way to go. It is sort've reassuring to know that I'm at least working on it... there were many who told me that there was nothing I'd be able to do about it; consequently they're still stuck in the same outdated ruts. I'm glad I didn't listen to them.



I also found another site that was helpful HERE.

How can Mindfulness Exercises remove blocks of limiting feelings and negative thoughts that stop you from achieve goals and benefit from The Law Of Attraction?

There are still more methods available at your service.

The main reasons for remaining blocks could be either:

* Deeply buried feelings from past lives traumas, unknown to your Conscious Mind.
* Contradicting beliefs, implanted by an authority, probably during childhood.
* Inability to go completely through the Forgiveness Process.
* The habit of holding on to the old patterns.

Eternity is a long, long, long time! You can relax safely!

Whatever you still have remaining blocks or not, you will benefit from Mindfulness Exercises.

To be Mindful means to be present every moment, accepting and acknowledging everything within you and around you without judging.

This does not mean that you should not change those things if they do not serve your purpose, but that it is necessary to accept and acknowledge the reality, the facts and the truth before you can make a true and lasting change for the better.


If you want to live a Mindful life, you will gain from taking many small breaks during the day. Just ask yourself how you feel and how you think at that very moment. It is important that you decide to accept, acknowledge and love yourself despite of what is turning up. (this is my BIGGEST challenge. i have a lot of people encroaching upon my time outside of classes, and it wasn't in the syllabus, and the more i watch "my personal time... that I use to do something inspiring or creative that helps me lighten up" the more my sense of alarm grows at having too much work to do ... UNREASONABLE AMOUNTS and not enough time to do them. Any down time I had is spent trying to catch up).

This is not difficult at all, it is only a matter of habit. Before new habits becomes automatic it will take about 8 weeks of serious and committed practice.

Every time you have accepted, acknowledged and loved yourself despite your contradicting feelings or thoughts, you can choose to change them and make them fit into your wishes and goals.

One of the best ways to support a Mindful State is through Breathing. I will write more about Breathing Exercises later.

Besides these exercises there are several more methods to clean unwanted blocks, that I will address the pages to follow.

Creative Streak

... so immediately after i wrote that post i ran into a good friend of mine on my way to drum class. it was a good reminder for me to lighten up. i've been avoiding airing out that issue b/c i don't want to fuel any negativity. i've been a bit resentful because i'm used to being the activist and catalyst for change on other issues and not the catalyst for negativity instead. lately, i've just been challenged with the fact that i have just been sitting around.... waiting for things to change... waiting for people who have the power but not the initiative to make it. it makes me feel so powerless. the drumming helped. after i got back and made dinner (from donated veggies from catering... that had been canned) i finally checked my fb inbox and stumbled across this:

“I believe that the very purpose of life is to be happy. From the very core of our being, we desire contentment. In my own limited experience I have found that the more we care for the happiness of others, the greater is our own sense of well-being. Cultivating a close, warmhearted feeling for others automatically puts the mind at ease. It helps remove whatever fears or insecurities we may have and gives us the strength to cope with any obstacles we encounter. It is the principal source of success in life. Since we are not solely material creatures, it is a mistake to place all our hopes for happiness on external development alone. The key is to develop inner peace.” - His Holiness the Dalai Lama

I should be focusing on what I can do, instead of what others can't. Because a lot of people have done more to help me in these past few weeks than some have been able to do in their lifetimes for other people.... I'll try to keep that in mind when I and where I choose to focus my attention. I also find inspiration from Thich Nhat Hanh and Swajimi Paramahamsa Nithyananda. Don't ask me to pronounce that. Anyway, I'm making a list of things that I enjoy that keep me centered and I'll be sure to include them in my next post. In the meantime I'm just going to try and stay very present. I made an incredible tofutti alfredo, with apple cider vinegar and vegetable stock powder... also my boss told me that I looked very creative today. I think it was a compliment. Perhaps I need to put some of that creativity to better use.

Committed to Whom??? : Questionable Commitments

[My Soapbox: I should probably warn you this is not a favorable article. I try to limit my rants, but time for this one is long overdue. I apologize if I've made anyone feel uncomfortable in advance. I assure my efforts in person will always be much more peaceful, but this has been an issue that's literally been eating at me for weeks.]

The challenge:

Berea College’s commitment to sustainability is integrated into its mission and stems from one of its eight “Great Commitments,” which is “to encourage in all members of the community a way of life characterized by plain living, pride in labor well done, zest for learning, high personal standards, and concern for the welfare of others.” This ideal is expanded in one of the College’s Workplace Expectations for employees, which is to “encourage plain and sustainable living” by “promoting a sustainable way of life through policies, procedures and practices in the workplace...”

The Berea College Motto

"God Has Made of One Blood All Peoples of the Earth"

-Acts 17:26

The Accepted Translation (King James Version)

²⁶And hath made of one blood all nations of men for to dwell on all the face of the earth, and hath determined the times before appointed, and the bounds of their habitation;

In theory, but not in practice, eh Berea?

Sounds like the school is kind of playing God with my health, eh? Wow, how inappropriate. I apologize. I'm just getting antsy waiting around for the process to work, when I should be taking a stand for something. I'm not actually going to blast the Christian identity of the school I attend because frankly, who knows what it means to be christian anymore? and i don't really see how it's relevant. But I’m not gonna lie. School is really grinding my gears these days. From fighting with the administration over the being granted access to buy my own food to finding out my historic Nemesis has been hired as my TA for the one class I find challenging, I have been incredibly overwhelmed. As far as the food thing, I don’t have the energy to go into it right now. I’m conserving that energy to stay on top of my ridiculous amount of assignments. But more info will come as the story develops. The issue is already sort’ve nagging at the back of my psyche and I’m trying to save time and energy by developing strategies to get around it instead of sitting around complaining about it this year. In fact, I don’t complain about anything, but people can tell that I’m sort’ve down. Which is understandable and I’ve found throughout this process that my friends have given me some incredible support. Unfortunately, I’m learning that sometimes, when you take advantage of opportunities (like a school that charges no tuition) sometimes you get what you pay for, so I’m having to assess whether or not I can balance out the opportunities that the school offers despite its lack of willingness to accommodate my basic needs. [I’m inserting this sentence here, because I realize that as I let myself just let things all out, I’ve fallen into another rant. Consider this my formal, informal grievance. I may need this information sometime soon].

Genesis 1:29 And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat.

If I wanted to be a jerk about it, one could argue that this passage of the bible advocates that we should all be vegetarians... perhaps even vegans. but i'm not fundamentalist, or literalist in this belief.

Did I mention the issue has arisen because I insist upon eating vegetables (actual vegetables with nutrients to manage my health problems, not the sludge delivered by sysco from a can)? Remember vegetables? Once upon a time when the U.S. took agriculture and nutrition seriously they were available on farms? Evidently we gave up on eating healthy when we decided to ingest industry and media instead. And the only ones who can afford to do so these days are the people who can afford to pay some restaurant to ship in green kale from Guatemala because American soil has become about as depleted as some of its citizens values. I'm sorry, I'm only speaking out of nihilist, disillusion.

Evidently the time has come in the American Institution where the word Vegan has become a dirty word. I know it’s a class issue, and I should be grateful… but I’m not exactly sure what I should be grateful for. I want to kick myself for choosing to have a social life last year instead of immersing myself in the sustainability program and learning how to grow my own food. But, my choice has also had its advantages. I have incredible friends who (embarrassingly enough) have sensed a lot of my distress over the issue, as I’ve sequestered myself into my room in boycott of the canned bean options that the school offers to vegetarians. They’ve been wonderful about donating food (some of which has no nutritional value, but I try to work into recipes simply out of gratitude… oh, and hunger) and I feel awful about it, but grateful at the same time. I’ve become Berea’s closet charity case, at a school that is supposed to be built around giving promising young students the opportunity to work their way up. Evidently, the line for accommodations is drawn at racial and gender issues.

If I thought I could live off of the salad bar, I’d try it. But those who have come before me seem to have tried and failed epically… some of them never to be heard from again. The only thing I’ve been able to do is arm myself with knowledge of nutrition and policy. But the sad reality is, even though I’m heavily equipped to fight this battle I’m very reluctant to do so. This is a banner year for me. I’ve moved up from struggling in trig, to struggling in calculus and taking my first SENS classes (which are based upon experiential learning and require a ridonculous amount of time outside of class). I made an agreement to myself that I wouldn’t DO anything extraneous on the subject until I got caught up on my school work. Lucky for them I got railroaded in a Calculus assignment and that bought them a little bit of time.

One of the benefits of this particular struggle is that it has honed my ability to focus on other projects, which was a challenge at first, because my mind goes a jillion miles a minute some days. But wanting to really do my work well, I’ve begun to initiate my study time as if it were sacred space in time, with the understanding that this is the only thing I can do, to ensure that I never go without my basic needs again. It kind of puts things into perspective how much time is squandered feeling insecure and inadequate about relationships when the people who are supposed to be looking out for your best interest, because they’ve scripted out that role …. To assume responsibility for your wellbeing drop the ball. I say drop the ball in a tone of disappointment, because it keeps me from feeling as oppressed as I was feeling before. I don’t think that it’s in their intention to put my health at jeopardy; a lot of it is just the culture of ignorance, but once they’ve been made aware that their nutritional amenities are sub par even for the meat eaters, there is this refusal to correct it. They’ve been dragging this thing out for weeks and I’ve had to resort to illegally using my food stamps to compensate for it because they don’t seem to regard it as a serious issue.

"Forgive them for they know not what they do...." or do they? This pic used to hang in a local coffee shop in town. It has always creeped me out.

Frankly I don’t expect them to get it. They can preach anything they want, but they don’t have live like I do. If I wasn't hell bent on being grateful to the people who have helped me out throughout this process, I could illustrate how a lot of the school's practices conflict with the ideologies that they teach, and the students who are the most active are the ones who feel discouraged most. A hefty percentage of our campus's most prominent activists are vegetarian, have been vegetarian, are trying to be vegetarian, or would be if they didn't think they'd get sick from not being educated or have the resources to do it properly. I know; they come to my meetings. Even some of the faculty have jumped on board. We're just buying some time to build more support. (Of course that means expanding the issue to one that's going to hit them harder fiscally ... the ethics of mandatory meal plans when we don't meet daily essential nutritional needs of vegetarians and meat eaters alike). A lot of people are pretty discouraged with the services that the school provides and if they didn't get the social interaction of meeting up and complaining together, they would probably coexist in their rooms and live off of what they can hoard there the way that I do.

It just stinks at a place like this when you put people who have the privilege of not having to deal with being deprived of very basic needs like food or shelter in charge of the welfare of students who are actually attuned to what they need to be healthy and only have limited resources. It would explain why we’re laying people off to pay for frivolous items like battery operated paper towel holders and stainless steel water carafes full of water no one will drink because they’ve iced out all of the nutrients to the point that they can’t even be absorbed. Why? Because they’re out to get us; well of course not. They do it because it looks pretty and in theory it’s supposed to taste nice. Too bad they don’t have a clue of what they’re doing.

I realize that when I get perplexed or frustrated at the incompetence of another individual (particularly when they act as the representative of an authoritative institutional organization) it becomes very easy to become judgmental and create and us versus them oppressive scenario. I’ve been trying to see the positives, because I realize that for some of them, it’s just a job and there have been a couple of people who have been as accommodating as they can be. But at the rate they are addressing this issue I’ll have an extra major in Nutrition trying to build my case to get around them, and at the end of the day once you link all of the issues; the effects of their distribution system on the environment, how forced meal plans contribute to an obsolete class structure that deprives students of basic rights, how this issue relates to food justice issues in that it perfectly illustrates the class structure between how food is distributed to those who are in power who have the option and accessibility to resources and how the nutrition-less scraps and potentially damaging foods are distributed to the lower classes, which increase health risks and present a financial and tax burden to those who have to pay for those without health insurance… and so on, and the reality is most problems, both health related and systemically could be prevented through correcting this issue. Malnutrition has been a burden to both my physical and psychological development and now that I have been educated upon what I need to do to keep myself healthy I’m much more adamant about not throwing away that knowledge to conform to a system that I know can’t accommodate my needs. I don’t understand why they are so opposed to at least granting us the option since they don’t want to make the systemic changes to correct the areas in which they’ve dropped the ball. What are we in a feudal society or something? Well now that you mention it....




It sounds like I’m on a soap box, but I’m not the only one disillusioned by this bleak scenario. Those who have tried to make the best of this process look about as down and out as I am and they haven’t even gone through the process of trying to cancel their meal plans yet. I asked these people before school started not to put me back on, and they did it anyway. I don’t want to go there and say that they are crooks, but there are definitely some ethical questions raised about the policy and the fact that they’ve taken as long as they have to deliberate upon my appeal. I get emails every week or so telling me that it’s going to take longer and that they’ll email me the next day… and then thanking me for being patient. All the meanwhile I’m doing everything I can not to implode. I don’t even have it in me to put on the brave face anymore because I feel like I can anticipate the injustice of it all… and that sounds silly and I don’t tell people that because I don’t want to play the victim card or incite any negativity but that is what it feels like; oppressive. At this point I’m thoroughly disillusioned.

I watched Planet Earth last night while I waited for the math TAs to get out of their labor meeting and there was this baby owl in Russia who was learning how to fly and as it made several failed attempts it just dropped to lower levels of the canopy struggling to cling on. But, there are so many layers it can hold onto and as it gets closer to hitting bottom the narrator stresses the sense of urgency of it mastering its flight technique before it gets in the range of predators and that is a metaphor for the alarm that I’m feeling right now. Every time I fail, I don’t feel totally discouraged that I won’t get off the ground, but it definitely takes time away from being able to enjoy life. As I get lower and lower I’m worried that my negativity is going to get me into a dangerous situation or that I’m going to have to take my chances elsewhere and just hope that I figure it out before depression devours me. I’ve been listening to a lot of classical Hindi, or classical Japanese flute music to keep me calm and centered, but I don’t know how much longer I can hold on for. I’ve already started weighing my other options. But college application deadlines are coming up soon. I’ve also looked at the option of staying behind and fighting it, but really: who has the time? I know one guy who does, that would love to get on an initiative like this. Actually I know a lot of people. But I have to feel a little better about things or at least get a definitive no from the Admin before I can pursue it so that I don’t fall prey to my own arrogance. It’s very easy to be self righteous and antagonizing when you feel threatened. So I've been working to refrain from using that mindset because I realize that the implications would be very limiting. So in the meantime I’ve just been eating... well, and strategizing. I've got some great tricks up my sleeve, but they require the involvement of other people and once the pitbulls catch wind of it, it's going to be hard to keep them on a leash, so i try to limit the amount of information I disseminate until it's absolutely necessary.

I want to AT LEAST be fair and give them the opportunity to do the honorable thing of their own volition. As of right now, things don't seem to be headed that way. But perhaps this is my perception because they've been stringing me along for the past few weeks. (The consensus seems to be that if they drag it out, I'll get tired of the issue and it will disappear. They should know not to come between an assertive female and her food). And so I've just been eating, one because of the comfort issue, and two I think it keeps the sense of urgency down and reminds me not to get too desperate while I'm fighting this issue. I have not used any of the campus food amenities once... and from what I've heard, had I tried I'd have just been getting ripped off anyway (oh wait, that's right...)

cost of meal plan offered = $18 (daily)
cost of budget allocated to feed all students = $7 (daily)
cost of budget allocated to feed vegetarians (daily) = I don't have the numbers because it's not budgeted, but I assume that canned beans and rice are their lowest priced items and they're making it up in paying out in soy burgers and tofu (oh wait, that's not very pricey either)
cost of budget allocated to feed vegans (daily) = does peanut butter and spinach count?

here is what is necessary to sustain a vegan diet on a minimal daily allowance.

Daily Dietary Allowances for Plant Based Diets

this is actually republished from a previous post.

I feel like my whole life is centered on studying, coping with anxiety and eating; although you wouldn’t know it to look at me. I dropped 4lbs in two weeks trying to do the right thing and not use my food stamps until I get notification that I can go back to using them legally from the school. Of course the day came very quickly, even living off of donated food where I started spacing out in class and I couldn’t even look at a sheet of paper without my eyes rolling into the back of my head and I had to throw in the towel and go to the store. But technically I don’t think I’m in the wrong, because the same thing happened to me last year a lot in trig and I was eating what the school provided, and I wasn’t even vegan then. All I know is that I physically feel much better since I’ve started eating again, but I feel about the same amount of stress…. With the advantage of there being no guys involved. It’s interesting how life’s little challenges can put a whole lot of stuff into perspective. Hopefully this is one that will be resolved soon, but my inner voice is telling me that this is really only just the beginning… sayeth the owl. (or whatever the vegan equivalent of that is...)