Fighting with Mutants

“Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens.”

--Carl Gustav Jung

I was thinking about this quote i scribbled down last night that says that "Buried destructive feelings or thoughts become destructive cell memories causing devastating sickness and diseases. The longer they are allowed to stay, the more serious they will hurt you and it will be harder to release them." I fell back into a very scary pattern this week. I didn't give up, but I definitely gave up faith in other people. I don't think it's a bad thing, but it's the way I approach the attitudes that reflect my realities that is ultimately going to make or break me. My apocolyptic vision of the entities that I've externally focused upon are not going to make me any more willing to be persistent through these disillusioning times. In fact, all of this doom and gloom has crippled is reflected by a culture that has nothing to do with what I eat, or my gender, or economic issues or the color of my skin. It has to do with the second I panic because I've stopped believing in something outside of myself, the higher the likelihood is that I will continue to feed my own destructive thoughts. I should have instead just rolled with it, only I found myself in the compromised position of resentfully having to discern how to do the right thing. It's compulsive, because I get myself into a lot of hairy situations and it is the one thing I can cling to some days. I tried to challenge that this week with the idea, that I'm being too hard on myself and I needed to allow myself to be human. But the people who told me that were wrong, because they define their humanity by their ability to become entitled to make mistakes regardless of the cost to themselves or other people. It's a very old message given to me by people who are no longer in my life for a reason.

But I define my sense of humanity by cultivating my ability to cognitively create and express the will to nobly create an existence among those with whom I connect... and nurture the will and build the ability of those in my community to see their own sense of worth so that they can see the strength and benefit of those values as they compassionately strive to seek to eradicate the suffering of others inflicted by those too weak to sustain themselves.

last night's FB status after crashing long enough to gain the will to saddle up again

PhiG has learned that sometimes it takes a breakdown to show us where we need to build strength. but it's far more productive to prevent such drama with appropriate levels of preparation.

It started with a cigarette. I had my first unshakable anxiety attack. It was calculus and all of the people who promised to help me were nowhere to be found. My options were to go to the TA... whose presence is a major trigger of anxiety for me... yet another thing that must be worked through, or find someone.... and I mean ANYONE else. (Long story that can't be shared). Anyway I'd been working on three calculus problems for about a week and had already passed the extension deadline to turn the work in. So at about 11pm I broke down, scribbled the problems down and headed off to the cafe for help. [A word about the cafe... People who barely pass classes study at the cafe. Those who attempt to study at the cafe either get distracted enough to learn not to go there because it yields completely useless efforts to get work done, or

I'm not a destructive person, but I'm still working through some very limiting beliefs. I'm positive that running helps. That night I hadn't and I really needed to focus upon getting the answers I needed. As predicted, there was none to be found and I was beginning to panic. So I did what is admittedly the last thing I probably should have done, but the one thing that would have given me the level of focus and chemical stimulation to stay awake. Evidently you can't smoke and be vegan and have things cancel out. The chemicals hit you harder because there's nothing in your system to counterbalance it. It's all been broken down and absorbed for nutrients, except the fiber, which is useless. (well I take that back. it helps you poop). so the chemicals simply oxidize into free radicals. And as the panic builds, so does the adrenaline in my system. So all of the antioxidants I eat are reconverting the oxidized adrenaline (adrenochrome) so that I'm not totally freaking out. But it does nothing to prevent oxidative stress, which actually damages and mutates my DNA.

That means that every time I fuel my negativity with panic, stress, negativity, I am literally imprinting my DNA to produce cells that trigger a fight or flight response, and when I break down (usually I just shut down out of determination to do neither.) I am actually winning that battle, but creating another. And the older I get, and the longer I get used to this pattern of anxiety and panic, the more that gets imprinted onto my DNA, because that's the history recorded there. [You read enough research journals and looking at the pictures that pertain to your medical condition, you're bound to piece everything together. I should have a master's in research]. What I have not figured out yet is what is being done practically to definitely prevent the oxidative stress, short of simplify my life. And so college has become both my greatest gift and biggest debilitation. Which is unfortunate, because I have a great aptitude for it when the resources are there for me to do well.

At 11pm the resources are kind of scarce. I was thinking they should have a branch of medicine that is just simply for the people who hate wasting time in the shrink's office where they can go and peruse the medical and research journals to understand the science of what is happening to them and researched treatments. I know the resources are out there, but it takes time to sift through abstracts and for terminology, and to reinterpret the terminology so that you understand it, and have enough information to match your own biorhythms to try to determine what works well for you. The vegan thing, the one thing that ensures that I am routinely monitoring all of that (you can feel every change in your body related to what you put in it when you don't have an intestine full of rotting carcass) and it has made such a difference in my ability to rebound. But there are many components to it; food sequencing, combination, exercise (which is where I dropped the ball this week) and research on not just the science, but the cognition and clarity that are most beneficial to granting me the resilience to carry forward. (It's a good sign I'm doing much better when I have the ability to construct hair brained ideas). A friend of mine, actually a friend to one of the administrators to whom I'm indebted for the kelp and barley supplements he gave me, told me something funny that I decided to take with a grain of salt, but now I'm going to have to really consider what he told me.



He said to me, "doctors don't know sh*t anymore." I thought that was just at the facilities for people who don't have insurance, but maybe they've lowered the standards because the demand for them has gotten so great. When I think of my last few doctors visits, I've simply been prescribed antipsychotics and home remedies. The last doctor didn't even know what neuroleptic malignant syndrome was but she was quick to dispense me boxes full of medication. There does seem to be a growing trend in this country for the pharmaceutical companies to define new illnesses that they supply the treatments for. ( ie ADHD, bipolar, restless legs syndrome, PMDD) and I question anything that is diagnosed that doesn't have any tangible measurable symptoms. It's like the food industry being controlled by the people who have gentically modified the food to be chemical filled and stripped of all the nutrients. If you can't afford to have food flown in from someplace virgin and exotic, then you're probably buying into that system. (another great incentive to stick with fresh locally grown veg... because at least you have an idea of what's in it) Hell, I got diagnosed with a couple of disorders and dispensed medications that almost killed me (on separate occasions) without having even seen a doctor. Ironically, I'd never had the symptoms until my mom's quack of a doctor prescribed me something without knowing anything about me. Then I just tripped a little bit further down the rabbit hole.

It has taken me tremendous persistence and a commitment to healing to even get this far, but without sufficient resources I will continue to find myself in the position of being at the mercy of those who are inadequately equipped or disinterested in looking out for the interest of people like me. They are all slaves to their own ignorance, I would like to think not intentionally, but the disadvantage of being aware of more than the other guy is that at the end of the day, you get stuck with the burden either way of accepting it, fighting, or working to educate the other guy... and some people prefer the convenience of their own

“There is a particular kind of pain, elation, loneliness, and terror involved in this kind of madness. When you're high it's tremendous. The ideas and feelings are fast and frequent like shooting stars...But, somewhere, this changes. The fast ideas are far too faast, and there are far too many; overwhelming confusion replaces clarity. Everything previously moving with the grain is now against-you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable...It will never end, for madness carves its own reality.”

--Kay Jamison

I've been considering this quote for a while and I realize it can be interpreted in many contexts. Especially for me. I just remind myself that this inner struggle has forced me to constantly strive for balance in what can seem like a crazy world. If I hadn't have found a community of people who shared my values I would probably question my own beliefs, but it appears that every day people are becoming more conscientious. But we are not the majority, nor will we be for a long time. So I should just embrace those who are a little more fully. I'm so freaked out about raising alarm in the status quo that I've become dependent upon those who are incapable of aiding me, and if we look around and look at the state of things, I should have realized a long time that it's useless to depend upon people who don't even care to take care of themselves. (Like actually take care of themselves... their health, resilience, etc. ) I used to think I was growing into the person I'd always aspired to be, but perhaps all of this adversity has simply mutated me that way. If that's the case I know now which areas to build to regain my sense of fulfillment and it certainly isn't tied up into other apathetic human beings. Lesson learned.