Uggghhhh.... too tired to move

That's pretty bad when people ask you how your classes are doing and all you can do is make "the face." I was looking for a pic to use to represent that but this is MUCH funnier...

man, i didn't even finish my poem... i started it yesterday and forgot all about it... let's see if I can finish it now

"yeah, I totally used a screen bean..."

A Deep Breath
stopping for a moment
Really taking time to breathe
getting all of it together
just to set my mind at ease

but it's only for a moment
cause there's so much to get done
every choice and actio matters
and their merit counts a ton

from the planning, from the worry
it feels good to take a break
and pretend i'm sipping lattes
or i'm lounging by a lake

as i play death cab for cutie
from my laptop and relax
and i veg out and i mellow
and survive this heart attack

i've been having, just to keep up
trying to keep my head afloat
no time for crying, or realizing
there's no more time for the remote

but as i sit here contemplating
all the work piled on the shelf
i am happy, appreciative
that i made time for myself

stopping for a moment
Really taking time to breath
getting all of it together
just to set my mind at ease

but it's only for a moment
cause there's so much to get done
i am honored still to do it
cause i've earned it; i'll take one [i suppose...]

yeah, that's how my week has been. hectic, but in a good way.... i think i'm going to take a nap.... i'm not quite sure what the objection would be... i don't have anything to f*ckin prove...

"i don't have to f*ckin impress you..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aww, man. evidently I needed some sort of rest. I just woke up [12:48 am]. I was supposed to go to this campus party and had called myself taking a nap, but at some point, when my alarm woke me up I determined that it was not morning and therefore I could lie around for a few minutes and lo and behold.....

that's pretty interesting that i chose to honor my body's needs rather than socialize because i really wanted to do both [that was my attempt to try and engage in both activities], but i'd kind of felt this morning that it was going to be very soon before i eventually crashed. i'm old and not used to this level of activity...

No, but seriously... The need to rejuvenate is really important. I've been needing to do a post about this and even have the beginning parts of posts set up, but we often fail to realize what an impact it has on our ability to function when we just take the time out for ourselves to get some rest, let our minds rest and our bodies heal so that we can build the strength we need to fully maximize our potential and capacity to work.

Ironically, we were talking about maintenance in tech today, and i never even thought to make the correlation until this evening. Preventative maintenance, routine maintenance, diagnostics, calibration and so on or crucial procedures in making sure that any piece of machinery works well. Similarly, diet [preventative], studying [routine], checkups, both mental and physical[diagnostics], and exercise [calibration] and all sorts of rudimentary testing is absolutely necessary to ensure that we will be able to do all or a good portion of what we have set out to do.

Many people wait until there is a problem in one of those areas; particularly once they've been unleashed from home from the first time, before they ever look to attend to these areas, and I am no exception. I'd been making myself go to bed on time, due to medical reasons, but even still, my mind kept me in that mode of having to only get 6 hours of sleep a night. Which could be cool, but my diet isn't calibrated as well as it had been and I cram a lot of activities into a single day. In the past 72 hours my schedule has been like this, and this hasn't included coordinating office hours, downloading software, studying, panicking, library time, meals and so on.... I've had to get up every morning and set aside time, unless I can squeeze it in to coordinate my schedule [electronically... and then transfer to my calendar, since the software won't send reminders to my phone like i tried to program it to] so that I can just fit all of the hours into the day. Here is what the past few days have looked like:

Wednesday
9:30am math 115
1pm chinese 101
3pm tech 110
5:30pm private percussion lessons

• 8:30pm afro latin percussio ensemble
• 
  

• Thursday
• 8am pick up add form for afro latin percussio
• 9am breakfast
  10am gstr 110
  12pm turn in private lesson form/ add drop
  1pm middle eastern festival
  2pm counseling services
  4:30pm labor assignment
  8pm study chinese
  8:30pm residence hall meeting
  
  Friday
  
  9:30am mth 115
  1pm ch1 101
  3pm tec 110
  5:15pm grocery shopping
  7pm suite meeting
  10pm the underground

To my surprise, the only thing that didn't get done is the shopping and the underground thing and that was more or less due to scheduling conflicts and the fact that i crashed than anything else. I got everything else done despite the interruptions and did some amazing things to make sure that it got that way. Who else but me would have been like OMG I totally can't remember these chinese phrases.... since the dvd and the flash cards aren't working, let me download a few programs so that i can convert the files to mp3 files and upload them to my player and that way i can just walk around and recite them...? I'm just saying, that takes freakin ingenuity and dedication.

I am also struggling to figure out what to do about the voice recorder for my math class. Hopefull if I get an assignment or two ahead I won't miss anything else, but you never know. I rented one today for $8 and uploaded the lesson on my computer using audacity. I had never used it before, but it really helped me kill two birds with one stone. It's like 2:20 am and I've got a pilates core workout in the morning [well later]. the problem is, i'm not sleepy. i let one of my books to my classmates so i guess i could do one of the other assignments, after i make some tea. i'd rather do my math homework in the open air and sunday will be spent cramming. i tried to do my tech assignment right after class today, so that i wouldn't have to think about it this weekend, but i ended up having to email the professor for further clarification...

Does a turbine count as a turbine engine? Is there some other terminology for reciprocating pumps? The only resources in the library insert them as blurbs when talking about rotary pumps or microturbines [and even the larger ones] but i'm not entirely sure if that's the same thing [because it has fans], or if he actually wants me to write about an engine with pistons. then i read something about compressors, so i got a little mixed up. maybe it's in the book.... this is why it's always good to read ahead. it's not due until monday, but they scheduled me to work a double in food services on sunday [which is bullsh*t cause i had planned on using it as primarily a study day to give me the opportunity to take care of some logistical stuff today].

Anyway, there's this concert they're throwing from some group called "the sickest kids you know" or something. clearly i don't know who they are and am cool about skipping it. i think i'm gonna go check out the local coffee shop and hangout and try to get some work done. word on the street is that they do quite a bit of indie stuff there, so that could be fun to check out... i guess i'll tackle this writing assignment and see if i can find some material on power and mechanical systems for an hour or two. it'll be a few less things to worry about trying to cram into my weekend...

Quotes that could have gone with that picture: Which one would you have preferred?

• “I try to live what I consider a "poetic existence." That means I take responsibility for the air I breathe and the space I take up. I try to be immediate, to be totally present for all my work.”
  Maya Angelou

• “We are alone, with no excuses. That is the idea I shall try to convey when I say that man is condemned to be free. Condemned, because he did not create himself, yet, in other respects is free; because, once thrown into the world, he is responsible for everything he does.”
  Jean-Paul Sartre

• "With great power comes great responsibility"
  Uncle Ben from Spiderman

Hit me back and let me know which one you like best....

Arrggghhh.... ready for a heartattack

So I'm just dropping in between tech and chinese to stop and have a massive coronary or something. seriously, i've already been in classes for 3 days and i want to curl up and have a heart attack. i just have had a lot going on. i spent this morning in my math professor's office hours and the better part of my day renting media devices and downloading software so that i could have audio files to capture what i may not have understood in class as i go over it in my room, or convert the alleged mp3 files from our chinese tutorial into actual mp3 files so that i could spend the day cramming for the next day's lesson by walking around with headphones in mumbling phrases to myself. So if you see me wandering around campus, looking SUPER CONFUSED, STRESSED AND FOCUSED no worries. That's why I have my headphones on. OMFG, I am worn out....

In between I've had meetings with advisors, add forms to drop off, counseling sessions, I've had to defer a few meetings for the weekend and next week, turkish coffee with the camels [which i forced myself to do just so that i could take a half an hour break... Isn't that funny that I've had to force myself to take a break. I've just been going and going. I finally updated my calendar software to calendar hub and that is wonderful for time management [once you get everything set up]. I'm having problems having the reminders sent to my phone... but I think that has more to do with my phone service than the software. My room is a hot mess. It's not that bad. I just need to finish unpacking and clean my desk up a bit. I though it would be cool to stategically position my magazines on my desk, but that's not working out. It just makes things feel cluttered and like I have a lot more to do. So I'll get to that later on tonight.

I still have a lot to do, so I just thought I'd peak in and update those who were wondering how I was doing... Off to tech [the highlight of my day]... Maybe i'll get a post up this weekend.

In retrospect, I think that every really cool thing that I've tackled that I eventually ended up dominating, I started off this way, overwhelmed and ready to cry.... so hopefully this is a sign of things getting much better from here on out instead of vice versa.

First Day of Class A Blast

You'll never guess where I'm coming from...... OK, I've been back for a couple of hours. I was just trying to set up part of my schedule for tomorrow on Calendar Hub which I opted for instead of iscrybe due to the restrictions on registration and because calendar hub has a drag and drop feature. Anyway, I just left an Afro Latin Percussion class [WHICH, I just found out I could get credit for] and it was amazing. We kind of jumped right into everything relatively quickly because he was trying to get us ready for a performance in 3 weeks. Huh? I know, that's crazy right? Actually, the professor is actually pretty cool. Word on the street is that he spent a fair amount of time studying percussion in Ghana. He seems to know a bit about the history of the politics in a lot of African regions, and the history of the slave trade and such. There were also songs that we performed that had Swahili lyrics, of which the only two words I understood were, "na" and "ashe". But it was all good... although I did learn something. As of this moment I am not capable of drumming and singing at the same time. I have not developed that level of proficiency yet and evidently it takes a little bit of time.... I need to find a good deal on a djembe...



My other classes, were kind of frightening. I kind of expected math to be, and it wouldn't have been so bad had my instructor not been right handed, and I sat on the left side of the classroom. When he wrote he kind of blocked the graphs and such and I lost invaluable information I'm sure trying to hurriedly copy the examples on the board. I'm going to talk to this disability and accessibility services probably tomorrow to see whether or not they could provide me with a tape recorder, preferrably with usb, so that i can keep up. I can only do so many things at once and I am going to have a nervous breakdown if I get too far behind. I went through the lesson and did my own notation afterward, so hopefully, I can sort of get ahead of the lessons so that in the event that I miss the examples I'll still be able to understand the concepts. It worked pretty well for me this summer.

Then I had Chinese later. I thought I was going to cry.... like a little b*tch. If I didn't absolutely need it and it wasn't essential to what I'm trying to do, I would totally drop that course. Even though I'm suitmates with the TA she doesn't talk to me. I'm rarely there and when we do see each other and I smile, she looks unnerved or something, probably because she only hangs out with the other asian international students, so i just smile and keep going. I may have to hunt her down though to lead a study group or something. Ironically, my RA is in my class as well. So I'm just saying. It would be an excellent opportunity.

Had it not been for the drumming, the highlight of my day would have been Tech 110. I take it with my brother. We're in the same group. They had to split the class in half among two professors and we got the African guy who talks about energy and power in systems. Hello, awesome... I know my brother would have preferred to take the graphic engineering part first. But that's more like icing on the cake for me. Plus they added videography as part of the curriculum so I am totally hyped about that. Probably the most fascinating, tangible thing that I saw aside from the drafting table desktops was this machine that they had that made plastic prototypes. Immediately I wondered how long it would take to fashion me a belt buckle. I've lost so much weight that I'm having to use a scarf as a belt until I can get something different. Anyway, my brother and I decided that we were going to share a locker for the year and split the cost... you know, to store our safety goggles and such.

I got a lot done today. And I still have tons more to do tomorrow. Secretly I had sort of been awaiting thursday to be kind a day to mellow out and chill in the books, but I realize now that it's not going down like that. I was trying to read this book for the ACES program for this class that we're required to take called Whistle While You Work and the author was talking about how there are times when we find ourselves caught up in situations that we may feel overwhelmed by and we have to make the choice to stick it out because really we don't have a choice. It's not like we have anything to go back to. For better or worse, if we're stuck in it, we may as well "get into it" and try to get something worthwhile out of it. Well, here I am, in it, knee deep in my crocs wishing I had rain boots.

I did buy a memory foam pillow though. I'm about to check it out in a minute and I went to a show at the planetarium sometime between drumming and studying. Which means that when I get off of work tomorrow there is no screwing around Not only do I get to finish my assignments. I also get to start on the new ones, although I may wait to really optimize some of that time on the weekend. This has been the longest week ever. Thank goodness I'll be going to c0unseling services tomorrow. I checked with the athletic center to see when they offerred yoga, because I wanted to do it in the mornings and [they don't]. So I'm going to have to make some adjustments, but I found a phys ed major who agreed to meet with me on thursday mornings to do a core pilates workout. So on the other days I'd jsut have to work on balance and maybe molding the badonk-a-donk....

On the food front, I've been coordinating the veggie board for a meeting this weekend so I can throw together a power point presentation. i found the cafe and the option there are little more manageable, but I kind of got irked when the cafeteria lady she couldn't cook my omlet in a separate skillet [even though there was a stack of them right next to her] and she had just cooked pork in the ones that she had. Why wouldn't they have separate skillets for people with food allergies and dietary restrictions? I'm thinking that some of those people just aren't properly trained... What if I had Celiac or something. There's a vegan there that has lived this entire week off of peanut butter on slices of wheat bread. But he still has to swipe his card to use his meal plan to do that. I probably wouldn't have even pushed it so much if all of these preservatives and whatever they're serving wasn't such a shock to my system. I'm going to the bathroom like all the time, and I'm really not even eating that much. But I can definitely feel the protein deficiency creeping in. my back has been hurting and i'm getting headaches. it could just be all of the activity though. but i've sort of shunned the veggie burgers that the cafeteria provides because they cook them on top of the same flat top that they cook the meet. Ummmm no.

But I must go to bed. I promised myself that I was going to start going to bed sooner and limiting my time on the internet. I haven't really been on it in the last couple of days due to scheduling conflicts and the need to honor by body's need for rest. I only made the exception because I know some of you out there, in Atlanta wanted to know how the first day of classes went. I'll have to go back and add a picture or something later. In the meantime.... I'm going to bed. I'll see yall this weekend.

Looking for Current.com RSS Feed: Anybody know where to get that?

i did find a site that this guy created to help with that @ http://pipes.yahoo.com/pipes/pipe.info?_id=78998dda524e6abd4374a62ff55fa4a2 I pulled it from a forum board. evidently, i'm not the only one requesting this: http://current.com/items/88822725_current_rss

A Schizophrenic In My Other Life...

...oh, so you totally have to check this site out if you are curious or into anything regarding schizophrenia or second life. i totally stumbled across this site tonight: you'll find out why it's of interest to me later... http://nwn.blogs.com/nwn/2004/09/a_lever_to_move.html

http://blog.binnyva.com/2007/11/30-reasons-why-all-programmers-are-schizophrenics/
[seriously dude]

Ohhhh it's way past my bedtime. I just wanted to give a brief update of how
orientation is going. I finally got my laptop customized a bit with a little bit of incredimail, which is a bitch to configure and met with advisors and whatnot. I got a little bit of info about the afro-latin percussion ensembles and got the forms for private lessons [which i found out that i could get for credit]. i found out about the bike coop, where you can either rent a bike or work for 10 hours a week and learn to build your own. i also made an appointment with counseling services over at the hospital for thursday with a lady named Ellen, of whom I hear great things...

I got to see my sister and law this morning, as she and my brother's advisor facilitated an amazing introductory session that literally brought tears to my eyes. i dropped off my class schedule to my labor department so that i could be assigned my hours began making plans to get my stuff organized in a paperless fashion as electronic backups to the notes i constantly scribble down when i came upon this:



the site can be found at: http://iscrybe.com/main/index.php yeah, it's the same long ass video....

oohhhh my life's happiness is contingent upon being allowed to have access to one of these... i thought i was going to cry when i found out that they had restricted access to it. it's like finding the holy grail of organizers and then being told that you can't be let into "the kingdom" because you have fallen short somehow... why couldn't i have known about this sooner. the sucky part is that i make NO MONEY and even though there is a sense of desperation... I NEED THIS ORGANIZER!!! I can't even afford to bribe them into letting me use this program. I wonder what my soul is worth in terms of currency. They can have free banner space or use my bandwith or whatever. I just want a piece of that action....

Oh I do hope they'll let me try the next prototype. I did however, get to finish a couple of preliminary playlists that I'm sure if you remember to shuffle first you will highly enjoy...



The Zen Spot as I like to call it is mostly indie cuts [there are a few pieces of crap songs from Shayne Ward in there from where I got kinda lazy once I realized I could just drag sections on there... feel free to hit me back in the event that you stumble across any certified garbage and we'll get rid of it.



Then There's The Movement, inspired by so many things, but I think that you'll find if there was any aspect of my street cred in question, I have redeemed myself. But as in the zen spot if you feel that there's something on here not worthy of making it to the list... by all means let me know. [i will not be removing elliot yamin just to let you know in advance... i tried to keep things diverse, but i know i missed some artists as well... so feel free to request it.]

anyway, i met some pretty cool cats this week. one in particular, a few minutes after that last post who is a fan of the drums, wants to travel and used to do shrooms so they had sort of an understanding of the significance of what i did in terms of paradigm shifts and expansion of consciousness. i also talked very briefly about starting a movement on campus to try and get a vegetarian kitchen going [coop style] so that we could use our "Berea Bucks" to get a better quality of food because I don't think my bowels can take all of these preservatives and overstarched, unrecognizable things they are trying to feed us. Even the salad and fruit selections are limited. You'd think they'd at least have the decency to provide us with a granola bar so that we can make our own trail mix to subsist of... but then again, dried fruit isn't exactly inexpensive anymore. It could be a cool start up. I may have to discuss it with my advisor and food services or something. but i can guarantee there's interest... hopefully it's already in the works...

we also saw this pretty incredible production called American Voices that took sensitivity training to this whole other level. If you like the Vagina Monologues, you will highly appreciate the producer's direction: find out more about it at their company's site: http://www.willandcompany.com/voices/index.shtml

Wave Collapse and the Quantum Self

So as I mentioned I was reading Goswami's book about Quantum creativity, which is hard to keep up with because I keep finding myself trailing off trying to make sense of some of the philosophical and quantum mechanical aspects of his theory and references, and I found it interesting that my mind keeps revisiting the subject of wave collapse. After reading Dana Zohar's book The Quantum Self several years ago, my basic understanding of it is that in terms of identity that the "quantum self" is the point of convergence in which many of the multiple aspects of our identites converge/collapse into a single definitive and "aligned" identity that correlates with our sense of our "authentic selves" [which could be alternatively be described by Gary Zukav's book The Mind of the Soul: Responsible Choice].

Anyhow, in correlating this concept with Goswami's work, the best understanding that I can derive from his explanation of wave collapse in relation to Bohr's foundational principles of quantum energy and the theories of "discontinity" is that the so called point of collapse is in fact [or let's go with in theory], where observation converges with the point that we define as a discontinuous leap. But how can we prove that such leaps are discontinuous when according to Newton's laws energy can neither be created nor destroyed? It would seem that at some point, whether we observe it our not that energy is either expelled TOWARD a new context or FROM some point of reference as the known context of what we are observing shifts in significance within our perceptive consciousness. [I would seriously have to over simplify how latency works at a later date in order to elaborate into detail what I am talking about].

I guess the question that still kind of resides in my mind is, when we are talking about uncertainty and correspondence principals, is there an actual "wave collapse" or does it merely appear that way due to our subjective point of reference and limited perception and observance?

We are talking quite a bit about diversity at school here in terms of ethnicity and religious and interfaith principles as well. I am aware that there are vast correlations that occur between physics and many of the eastern theologies [and even, if you wanted to take it there, the very basics of gnosticism and judaism] in terms of light energy and connection and those energetic principles. It kind of leaves me feeling a bit of unnerved to discuss with other people, my own beliefs because I know that a lot of people aren't thinking from the mindset of talking about consciousness and my own personal experience is quite unique as to how I awakened to it... and I haven't had the opportunity to really discharge on it yet, because I haven't really found anyone to discuss it with that would understand what I went through or could help me develop a better understanding of how to grasp how to use this information.

So I've actually done quite a bit of work on my own, seeking out literature and online resources to get a better understanding of it all and how to apply it, but it creates a barrier I think when it comes to being able to discuss it with other people, because if people are unfamiliar with it, it creates this whole other confusion, or disinterest, so I just leave it alone and work on it alone, [which has its purpose, I suppose, but can become a very alienating pattern and I know could be enriched if I could find a network of indivduals who come from a similar background and can help me in terms of direction and guidance toward this "spiritual" journey. Yeah, so if there are any quantum mystics out there, or people who have a thorough understanding of how to steer people toward discovering and revealing various aspects of their consciousness, I'd love to hear from you.

One thing that I'm still having difficulty being able to discern is how the convergence of the "quantum self" connects us with "one consciousness" aside from being composed of the characteristics and classification as we would classify subects in species and phyllums and such, which I could see as making us alike, but not necessarily the same. I'll definitely add more about this kind of stuff as I progress. I am actually looking for a free moment and the courage to relate my own experience with quantum mysticism, reform judaism, and my own "awakening" process, but it actually involves a lot of components to it that resulted in my being hospitalized and diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder because I didn't have anyone there to better explain to me what was going on. I'm sure that there are other people out there who have encountered similar experiences, who may or may not be able to articulate it better than I can. If so I'd love to hear from you. I've been looking for support groups and mentors to discuss this kind of thing for over 3 years, so if you're out there or can refer me to someone, please feel free to shoot me an email.

Something bizarre is going on

Is it pretty customary for blogger to switch out blogspot domains? My site went from being http://www.tekgurl.blogspot.com to http://tekgurl.blogspot.com but my content is on both sites. The one without the w's is the most updated one, but I don't know WTF they changed my site [particularly as I had no notification of it]. This is crazy dawg... I'm just glad I caught it.

Searching for Clarity

Looking for Answers

I question Myself

Wondering, Pondering

Where can I find Help

The questions, the theories

Unclear in my head

Just symbols and icons

and vague things are said

I search through the text of

books and go online

Ask Others to Lead me

or help me to find

some Light on this journey

so that I won't stay [&]

Illuminates Footprints

I leave on the way

Awakening, dreaming

I never can tell

My heart soul and mind speak

Express it so well

I struggle to get things

in depth, Understand

but Beauty I still find

compels me to Stand

up for my Convictions

my Values are rife

with reasons to Hold On

and Cherish my life

Unlocked to the present

Won't always make sense

but fills me with Reverence,

lot's of Fulfillment

Perhaps it is futile

to get What it Means

but if not for the journey

It Still lets me Dream...

-phi*G

Gettin My Mind Right...

http://i77.photobucket.com/albums/j78/BlueStarYoga2/block8ahc3.jpg

Waiting
I'm here
but I'm restless
too early to act
Awaiting
and anxious
I need to unpack
mementos
and memories
carried in my heart
to let go
and release
so that I can start
taking
applying
the most i can learn
so that I
can give more
and have more to earn
I'm ready
I'm tired
but can't speed up time
and so
to get through this
I'll work on this rhyme...

-phi*G

I wrote that this morning, after waking up freakishly early and waiting for all of the orientation stuff to begin. I met with my advisor today and they had some sort of luncheon [with which my vegetarian options consisted of hummus and pimento sandwiches... I now know to eat before I attend anything~ like with holiday functions at home]. Then we attended a dedication. There may have been something about a walk and some goodbyes or something, and I felt myself getting all misty eyed when the school president gave his speech about the parents supporting and encouraging their kids and letting them go. I know exactly why I got restimulated by it. I just was trying at that point to fight back tears as I averted my gaze from the empty lawn chairs beside me. I must've been visibly agitated or something, because one of the ladies that I'd met from academic services came up and gave me a hug... and honestly I needed it too much to be weirded out by it [thank you rc].

Anyway, we attended a dedication ceremony and had lunch with our advisors. Then, I got to forgoe the next part of the schedule, because my living arrangement is different than everybody else's so I just talked to some of the women from the African Student's Union about my career plans and went home and did some laundry. I have to tell you, I have never really used faric softener before, but what a difference it makes. I once heard some comedian joking about how married women mark their territory by using fabric softener and my goodness... I can see why. Who's going to want to leave that!?!

The only reason that I even had it to begin with is because I wanted some sort of memento to remind me of the time that I submitted an idea to procter and gamble's website for them to provide individual packets of laundry detergent so that I could travel with it or not have to haul the massive jug down to the laundry room, particularly as the economy got worse. They sent me a reply that said that they were already providing smaller portions at their laundromats [which, completely defeated the purpose of what I was trying to accomplish...] This happened back in the late winter early spring.

Lo and behold, to my surprise they must've changed their minds because a few weeks ago I was headed out of town and found individual packets over in the trial section of Target of all places. They deviated from my idea a little bit, as I requested it in powder form as an eco-friendly alternative [as it saves gallons of water] and had it in liquid form. But did that stop me from buying it? Certainly not, because I knew that it was only a matter of time before I would need it [which is why I submitted the idea in the first place]. And, I finally had to break down and use it today. Which constitutes a need for me to just buy a case and keep some on hand [J-I-C].

Anyway, I learned a valuable lesson from that experience. Find somebody to fund the patent from here on out instead of letting corporations rip off my ideas or make it myself. I come with ideas for stuff like that all of the time. I'm particularly excited about some ideas I have in store for re-revolutionizing and redefining how we use health and beauty packaging [from both the enviromental aspect as well as the economic]. But that's going to take time to get prototypes together and locate a mechanism to get [or build] the equipment, and I've got plenty of time, so long as I don't just chuck off my ideas on multi-million dollar corporations who get ahead by ripping off other people's ideas. But I put it out there. So I guess it's kind of public domain because I didn't protect it like I should've.

If there's one thing that I've learned is that if you find yourself in a pinch and just really need to get something done, there are plenty of people out there willing to do the work for you if you allow them to take the credit of your ideas. (9/11 vigil @ Michigan State anyone?) I didn't get credit for that until many months later [not that it was about that... which is primarily why I let it fly]. Some poor jerk is about to find out that his idea for the individual take a long roll of toilet paper, which I carry on my keychain was ripped off from Proctor and Gamble. The worst part about it, is it was probably some mid level jerk who intercepted the stuff from the website and is collecting a phat bonus because of it. Oh well. But I digress...

At least I get to kind of do the kinds of things that I want to be doing. I've spent a ridiculous time on inner growth and translating the product of my inner consciousness into outer manifestations. Evidently it's beginning to payoff. I'm getting ready to start college in a few days. I just finiished Phoebe Eng's book and I must say. Warrior Lessons is a remarkable read. I liked her book as much, if not more that Sandra Anne Taylor's. I've been doing a bit of summer reading to try to keep my mind where I like it, open and full of useful information. I still haven't finished Amit Goswami's Quantum Creativity, but that is because I had to go back and re-read some passages.



I still get a little bit fuzzy on certain aspects of the Many Worlds Interpretation of the Uncertainty Principle and how that translates into Correspondence. If something actually exists, how could it presently only be considered a possibility? I get that in relativity it could presently [or in the past] not have existed, but when it comes to present manifestations I don't quite understand why uncertainty is applicable. It would seem that at that point of present confirmation of the existence of something that it would yes, correspond, but in turn emerge as the only manifested possibility [as represented by some newtonian deal], unless we're talking about some sort of subjective methodology of measurement, which then, to me ceases to be science. Add to the equation stuff about Schrodeger's cat and the Wigner principle and all sense of rhyme or reason goes out of the window.

At least I can feel confident that I won't completely accept some new far fetched idea until I have some sort of confirmation that it kind of makes sense. It's nice to have that going for me. Oh, that reminds me...



There was some discussion that came up in relation to the school motto: "God has made of one blood all people's of the earth" in terms of how it related to the school's founding principles of inclusion and diversity. Ironically, I had just finished reading the last chapter of Eng's book in which she relayed her experience speaking in a forum in which she was confronted by someone who challenged her idea of inclusion by asserting that: "loose ideas like diversity have diluted people's efforts to fight discrimination..." There was more that he said in reference to the context that he more or less felt that by assimilating or relying upon other groups to aid in the process of any particular [rather his context was much more specific] ehtnic group's ability to take ownership of it's own community's liberation and community development.

I didn't grow up with this particular perspective, but I have grown to see quite a bit of validity of this perspective as I have gotten older and been immersed in some of the deeper issues within my own community and the internalized oppression that takes place as a result of that. I do kind of feel that there are plenty of issues in particular that I wouldn't want the ruling, privileged class to be included in because they wouldn't understand the historical basis for it or know how to deal with it without infringing upon other people's right to work those kinds of things out for themselves.

Even Gandhi, kind of felt that it was a bit presumptuous for the British government to be trying to play the role of guardian and mediator when they were alien to the problems that existed in that particular country, even though I will admit from time to time, in extreme cases that intervention may be necessary... but there should be some sort of active task force present to seek out those who are most qualified and accountable for determining who should take on the responsibility of controlling the local government. It certainly shouldn't be the foreign party. I could see them protecting whomever the people would want in place or overseeing safe elections, but in terms of tyrannical rule, I don't think so.


On the same hand, I was on the other side of the equation this summer of being the person of privilege coming into an unsafe and veridically "barbaric" environment trying to "fix" things and ultimately only creating problems for myself~ which only caused it to internalize it even more. Here it was I had become Rudyard Kipling's stereotype, and I wasn't even a white man... and while there were things going on that I had to intervene in [against my desire of course]... my better judgement told me that I never should have put myself in that position in the first place. I thought that by "slumming it" that I'd be able get a little bit of character development and make a positive impact upon the environment by being cool and leading by example, but really, I was the only one who came out affected and it's going to take a lot of inner work before I can let go of some of that internalized oppression and be able to experience anything fully without being overly cautious and paranoid that there is some underlying devious thing accompanying it.

I know that it seems that my acculturated perspective could be misperceived by some as militant or uncooperative [and to some who don't understand where I'm coming from, they may even perceive me as being flat out racist] but I assure you that I am not. I was actually reading some of the stuff Goswami was talking about in relation to all being one in terms of consciousness, [which is kind of ironic actually] and I had some questions about that as well. To put it in a metaphor, my understanding of it is this:

A blade of grass is totally different in its manifestation than maybe another blade. It may be similar, come from the same source or be from a different area entirely, but it is not the same blade of grass as the other. By the same token it is all still grass. It has the same composition, or similar makeups and characteristics that allow it to be defined as such. The thing that we must still remember to consider, however, is that even though it is all still grass, as we define it; what it means to be a blade of grass in the prairie is different than what it means to be a blade of grass on a golf course, or in the woods, or by the beach, or in the desert.

The same goes for people. We may come from the same origin, or if you don't believe that, we most certainly are derived from the same primordial soup. We have genes and DNA and a chemical composition that determines that. But because our environments and our experiences are so different, and even in instances where they are similar, there is a vast difference in significance in each and every individual, some noticable and some in ways that are much more subtle. One seemingly insignificant person could simply provide the roots necessary to keep their environment flourishing and intact [as in grass and erosion] or provide nourishment and life to something greater [maybe not a cow, but a mind or a movement] that will in turn be a part of a system of things that are necessary to sustain a greater purpose. And there are all other kinds of grass/people metaphors that I could use [we could simply be used to move things, or process waste, depending upon how that stuff is allowed to be deconstructed].

So our differences matter as well as the ways in which we are similar. The universal truth is that we are both. It is in that variance and in our differences that we are challenged as we try to achieve balance, we are conflicted, and we are challenged creatively toward progression and transcendence. I know this is coming out of multiple schools of thought, and believe me, I'm a lifelong scholar of them all... But I think that coming from all of these perspectives and having experience with these bi-linear schools of thought [assimilative & inclusive versus acculturative viewpoint in which race and class really matter] I think it will be interesting to further understand the point where these dichotomies converge. But if not a liberal arts college, I don't know where else I'd really get a chance to observe it.

It seems though that the faculty here are genuinely committed toward our success and development. You certainly wouldn't get this level of attention anywhere else. I'll definitely be interested in hearing more alternative perspectives of it. Perhaps it could provide me with some further insight. I'm just trying to be as receptive as I can, but it's honestly going to take a little bit of time for me to get immersed in things to the point where I can leave that baggage behind me and just take the lessons from it and move ahead. Unfortunately, that is going to require me to sift through some of the misinformation I'd taken on as well, but it shouldn't been difficult. I can already feel the difference in my consciousness between now and several months ago and how differently I've handled and reacted to challenging situations. I just hope I continue to move in the right direction and don't let myself get caught up transferring my stuff onto other people.

Already I've had to kind of scold myself for trailing off into negativity from time to time. I seriously have to tell myself "don't mess around and sabotage this experience. Get it together!" in order to snap myself out of my distress. I also have to really notice and stop myself from my compulsion to want to do things and fix things for people. They don't have any ibuprofen or can't find the health food store or bike shop and I'm like I'll find out and take them there. But now I have to stop myself at scribbling down the phone number or address. I think it's that corporate service upbringing of never saying no and going the extra mile. It kills me to not do all the work for other people, but if I'm going to survive here, I'm going to have to draw the line somewhere. Otherwise it'll be all about other people and I'll be scrambling to fit myself into the equation. I'll get it figured out though. Now that I know it's a chronic pattern I can begin to really work on it.

I know I put this up on the other site, but I was a big fan of my results from this self-actualization assessment. I retrieved these test results from the following site: http://www.assessmentgenerator.com/cgi-bin/coachingassessments/generate3.cgi

Thank you for completing Self Actualization Assessment
Your Score is 123 out of 150

This score indicates a high likelihood that you are self-actualized. This means that you are someone who has peak experiences which show you the meaning and purpose that you have. You may do this through spiritual or other means. You are very open to exploring how events fit together and the meaning in various situations. You are interested in how you can contribute to the human condition, add value to other people?s lives, and leave a legacy. You are likely to have developed yourself to the person who you want to be, and to explore and enjoy your passion in life.

I've got my science, and my poetry. Pretty soon I'll be able to work on some artwork and I'm getting an education. I'll be learning a skill that will be in demand and will benefit people and the environment. And I'm terribly happy with the person that I've emerged as and how much it is in alignment with who I have aspired to be. What more could I ask for? I almost kind of feel like if I didn't have all of this other stuff to look forward to that my attitude could've easily shifted toward, "well now what?" But as long as there are things to be worked on or improved upon, there will always be something for me to do, something for me to contribute. Now I get to decide what those gifts will be. Yay!

Sorry for the long post... But while I'm thinking about it, I'd like to give a shoutout to two of my favorite people [who don't even know it yet] Mikua Rai and Yetunde. I got to see them perform at Cenci in Atlanta this summer and believe me, had it not been for their influence I would not have gone in the same direction after having endured what I did this summer. They were like my "big brother" and "big sister" but on this transcendental level. I love to watch them perform, but to hear them speak and to watch how their presence and energy just fills up the room will forever be etched upon my mind and there will always be a place for them in my heart. Plus there two of the best contemporary orators I've heard. Big Ups!!! Thanks for holding "the movement" down.

To check out Yetude check out her site:
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=133228558

You can find Mikua's site here:
http://www.myspace.com/mikuakrai

-Phi*G is on the Move

So I've been slacking all day trying to enjoy my last moments of freedom before I'm swept away in the whirlwind of orientations and dinners with advisors and class starts. I should be studying for my placement test. I'm about to get right on that. I have a lot of stuff to consider soon. I've got to develop the course guide for my independent study. I'll have studying and note taking and agonizing over math equations to do. Hopefully it won't be as bad as all of that, but one never knows. It really helps that I know what I want to do with my life in order to keep me from minimizing any distractions. I just need to watch for that "rolling ball" tendency that I sometimes get that keeps me bouncing from activity to activity without focus. Like now I should be studying, but I've been blogging all morning. I haven't gotten the reading done that I wanted to and in the morning I'll be moving my things into the dorm. Right now the only people here are the international students, and I've been staying with the "fam" so I haven't' had time or rather made the time to explore or get to know anybody except for the few faculty members who have made the effort to try to get to know me.



Evidently I must've made some sort of impression on my brother and his wife because I was surprised at how many people here were interested in meeting me, even though I am like the polar opposite of who he is in terms of personality. It takes me a minute to warm up to people like that, but there seemed to be a little bit of buzz generated surrounding the type of work I'm looking to do and so now I'm just trying to keep names and programs and what not straight. I'm going to be running across a few of them again and there was even some discussion that came up of me eventually moving into this place called the SENS house where they reconvert fecal water into swim-able quality by filtering the waste through some sort hydroponic botanical system that uses plants to eat the nitrates and bacteria to eat some of the toxins out of it so that it can be reused within the facility. I know that sounds pretty nasty, but it could prove to be beneficial knowledge in what to ecologically consider with how human waste is dealt with along the roadsides of places like Kibera and Alexandria that are poor and have no indoor plumbing and are rife with disease.

http://www.kslum.org/mission.htm

I also talked briefly with an agronomist about soil quality and how it affected the ability to cultivate crops in underdeveloped regions.... yeah, I'm pretty sure that I'm going to fit in fine here. Who knows I may actually leave a "supa star".... Just discipline and focus are the two things I need to keep in mind and I should be fine. Oh did I mention that I learned what LEEDS certification was? Leaders in Energy and Environmental Sustainability? Berea College has actually done some incredibly impressive work with that, in terms of renovations and sustainable design. I know this sounds incredibly dorky, but I feel like a young Padawan learner here. The question here is who is going to emerge as my "yoda" or "Obi-wan" or even Craigon? That's crazy, yo to have a force inside you that everyone sees that you've been unsure how to channel and unleash. I guess it helps to have a path. Now I just need the training.



Oh yeah, per my little brother's recommendation, I'd like to add this youtube trailer. It kind of reminds me of where I'm coming from in life: You know, I started off as a Spartan at Michigan State. Technically I was like a Warrior, a Hurricane and a Wolverine first, but that was the last thing that I claimed. Now we're the "Mountaineers".....

I guess I could work with that. I now battle myself, where other people could never dare to dream. We can not contend with the mountain, but rather conquer our fears and develop our strength and focus by learning how to ascend our trials and strategize how to make it [you know, and live to tell about it. How do I best come about doing that. I think that when I discover that for myself I will have embarked upon the next phase of rebirth in my spiritual evolution... Enjoy!!!

In Berea Safe and Sound

Nothing says normalcy like doing a little bit of yardwork and playing with my little niece and her dog. This is only some of the stuff I have been doing since I made my little trek up to this little corner of the world. My last living situation made my new one look like I'm living with the Cosby's so it's been a lot easier to put that nightmare behind me. I already sense that I'm going to be doing well here. It's a pretty small and rural place, but I think the lifestyle here will give me the opportunity to thrive.

The common theme here is artistry [more so with crafts], service learning through labor, and sustainability, which is right up my ally. I haven't seen much of the famed "diversity" yet, but I did notice the telltale signs of culture and diversity around the campus, so I think I'll find myself pleasantly surprised.

The good news is, I got my room and labor assignment. I will be rooming in a single, attached to a suite with air conditioning and a kitchen and working in food services [although that will probably only last a semester] for the upcoming year. Word on "the street" is that I really lucked out with that, but I think because I was so worried about coming in and being so much older than the other students they probably took that heavily into consideration. I'm also going to be staying in one of the upper classman [all girls] dorms even though its my first year here. I have orientation on Friday, where I will have the rest of my registration taken care of and my aunt will be speaking here for something or other sometime this week, so now i just play the waiting game and really try to settle into my new life. Finally, a moment to breathe....

"It feels a little less like attending university and more like going into a boarding school or uber progressive community..."

-Phi*G

Inner Healing through Extra Curricular Activities

This image was taken from http://www.shaiya.com/images/guide/holy_43.gif

So I'm looking to restore a little bit of balance within my life as I embark back upon the next phase of my life. While I plan on dedicating over 24 hours per week to my studies in addition to my classes, I've decided that if I develop a schedule for some extra curriculars that are in attunement with the forces with which I want to connect, I can eliminate distraction and get the spiritual rejuvenation and creative outlet to keep my mind focused and disciplined to really do a good job in school. I decided that if I am going to have enough balance in the classical areas of my life in addition to my work/studies then I should pick one thing from each area; earth, wind, fire, water, and for the sake of good ole Captain Planet I added heart as well. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Classical_element I'll explain this in a moment. These are the extra curriculars that I will be looking to pursue over the next few years:

Afrikan Yoga
"Earth"

What is Afrikan yoga? To find out check out this site: http://www.afrikanyoga.com/page2.htm

It is sooooo important to stay grounded and physically active. Plus there's nothing that keeps you more centered and connected to your roots than to take the time to build physical strength and healing and mental calmness that comes from doing a little bit of yoga. My ancestors practiced it, so this will be a wonderful way to reconnect.

Afro-Latin Percussion Ensemble
"Fire"

http://westafricanroots.com/african_yoga.htm
I'm always aware of when I go to black lib events how powerful it is to have Afro-percussionists present. A lot of the time the duty falls upon the same people and I wish that I were proficient to lend a hand because it really adds and enriches the experience to have people there who are attuned to the sacred rhythms. Now that I have the opportunity to tap into that I'm ready to take full advantage and participate, since I seem to not have that same depth of excitement about my acoustic guitar.

The E^3 sustainablility and liberation movements
"Wind"
http://tekgurl.blogspot.com/2008/07/conception.html
Of course E^3 is my baby and I am so serious about the movement. Human lib is very important to me, but I find that in order to sustain people and cultures and preserve the best parts of ourselves that we must also take the earth into consideration, and what we put in it/ or take from it [not to mention what we put into our bodies]. Unfortunately that means that there is going to be an economic cost as well and without some sort of balance in helping more people to achieve prosperity and abundance, there will be much dissonance in this world surrounding the issue of money. I'm not a big fan of the existing economic systems, so I'm wondering what kind of John Nash based economic philosophies will emerge that take into consideration the best interest of those involved.

Kirigami & Mandalas
"Water"

http://www.tutztutz.com/2008/02/origamic-architecture-stunning-sculptures-cut-out-of-paper/
http://www.videobornholm.dk/thokiyenn/tyindex.html

I love kirigami and have yet to do kirigami. It started one Holiday season when I saw these kirigami Christmas trees at my favorite art gallery over on Fairlie Poplar street on exhibition. The gallery is amazing because you would never know that all of the pieces featured are created by people with disabilities. Anyway, I've wanted to learn it ever since I discovered its realm for endless potential and I can't wait to spend a couple times a month working on intricate projects.

Mandalas have been quite dear to me ever since "the breakdown of 05" when I had a hallucination from one of medications I was put on and I didn't know what it was. It kind of freaked me out and I was reintroduced to them a year and a half later. Of course I was mesmerized to know that my mystical psychotropic experience had some sort of greater significance, and I have started my very primitive geometrical representations of these things, but I would love to learn more about the intricacy and develop the precision that it would take to create more inspired pieces of this art.
http://www.mahasiddha.org/mandala/
http://blog.beliefnet.com/flowermandalas/2008/03/painting-mandalas-ofira-oriel.html

Myself, MyFamily, and My Future

"Heart "

I will be spending quite a bit of time focusing upon inner healing as well as strengthening the bonds that I have with family members who have taken an interest in being connected with me. Since they are few and far between, my "real" family must consist of those kindred spirits who have evolved to kind of recognize and appreciate one another and I look forward to basking in their glow [their luminescence can be spotted from afar] because it isn't easy living in a world that operates so contradictory to the lifestyle you've chosen to readopt and it's nice to have people who are like you to recognize this and provide you with the affirmative and restorative love and support that we all need. I really am going to make more of an effort to accept authentic love in my life and settle for nothing less, from myself or from others.

Kinetic Art

I don't intend on taking this on my first semester, but after I've sort of established a routine and taken a few tech classes ultimately I want to get to the level of proficiency to really start doing some beautiful and crazy kinetic art.  Ever since I saw the movie Fracture I have been in love with rolling ball sculptures and kinetic water fountains and such.  I saw this artist, who neglected to give me his info that does this amazing wire-form work at the Martial Arts Temple over on metropolitan, and would have loved to feature his stuff, but I'm beginning to learn not to rely on other people in that way.  I'm connected to this kind of art and design because it speaks to a part of me and what it is I would like to be doing.  I just haven't taken the time to get there professionally yet, but be looking for me in the next 5 years or so.  This is the hobby to take all other hobbies to school.

Here are some other kinetic art links.  I'll do a post on it really soon.  I promise: 

http://www.waterworksgardenart.com/ 

http://www.chatsworth.org/whattodo/revelation.htm

Murphy's Law

"There's nothing worse than that feeling you get waiting for the bottom to drop out..."

Murphy's law

Murphy's law is an adage in Western culture that broadly states "if anything can go wrong, it will." It is also cited as: "If there's more than one possible outcome of a job or task, and one of those outcomes will result in disaster or an undesirable consequence, then somebody will do it that way"; "Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong"; or, "Whatever can go wrong will go wrong, and at the worst possible time, in the worst possible way". The saying is sometimes referred to as Sod's law or Finagle's law.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Murphy
more specific, reputable information upon Murphy's law can be found at the following site: http://www.murphys-laws.com/murphy/murphy-laws.html

So people always talk about the phenomenon of Murphy's law about how when one thing sort of falls apart everything else follows in suit. It makes sense when you look at the physics behind it. A lot of time when things implode or fall apart it's been building to that point for some time. Many times we can even see the red flags and anticipate the destruction before it even happens. Othertimes when we aren't present enough or aware to see what precludes it, the impact of something terrible happening is so great that we often fail to respond in a manner that will allow us to cushion the blow thereby impacting other area of our lives as well.
If we're not careful, we may find ourselves faltering to get our bearings for a very long time as if stuck in a ripple effect of negative or disruptive energy. If we are smart or keen, however, then we can minimize the effects by purposefully and deliberately setting an intention or committing an action so as to contradict this negative energy so that we can reclaim our direction and not get too side tracked. This is how I am taking control of my own life [believe it or not].



One of the best things that could have happened to me was that I got sidetracked by some of the intense challenges that I've faced in my life. There was even a time when I was sure that they broke me, but [as the oracle says] "here I am, at it again"...

Anyhow, I've been trying to really work hard at contradicting Murphy's Law by contradicting those patterns by making sure that my sense of awareness is heightened about the type of energy I'm exerting as well as the type of energy that I'm putting in. It's interesting that as I make this transition that I find myself pushing away some of the people I care about and as I struggle to stay connected and yet still manage to stay principled and unyielding to fall into their mindset or the toxicity of some of the environments around me, I can't help but to find myself greatly affected by all of this. It isn't that I'm walking around like a big gaping wound or anything, but I find it definitely very hard to heal by constantly finding myself around some of the people, namely family members that I've been involved and invested in. Especially without the support or encouragement of other people. But I know that I have always aspired to be the type of person who has the strength and resolve not to sit idly by and allow other people to inflict abuse upon others within my presence or upon my space and I have done a hell of a job under the circumstances, well really period. But I'm ready to take a break from that and concentrate on what is really important. I may not be able to save the world, but at least if I take a break for a while to better equip myself to build the machines that can be utilized to make some of these changes and improve our situations in the future than, sign me up.

I figure people must be worried about what's been happening after this most recent disaster that I noted on my other site. I've been holding up pretty well, but definitely not unaffected by it. Thankfully, I've had work to distract me and keep me in good spirits and a really good session the other night. It's going to take me a lot more before I can emotionally get back to 100%, but I think a little bit of spiritual rejuvenation in the presence of those running the liberation movement should put me back in good spirits soon.

I should be getting my class schedule in the mail soon. My little brother told me that we have a class together which is cute. But bro, I'm warning you. I have a spot staked out in the 2nd row, so if you plan on goofing off, don't sit by me, because I'm going to freaking learn and I can't have you disrupting my pattern of growing.

School's Almost in Session

So I'm about to embark about probably the most crucial phase of my life ever. That's a big freaking deal!!! And it's about bloody time too. You have no idea how ready I am to move on with my life not because I'm running from anything like the last few times, but because at this point in time as the economy is faltering, and crime is on the rise and everybody is so focused upon this nation's decline, I can finally see an opportunity for me to be able to raise my own voice and share my talents with the world. Plus it's the perfect time to be focusing upon clean tech and sustainability right now.

Clean tech being:...

Cleantech is a term used to describe knowledge-based products or services that improve operational performance, productivity, or efficiency while reducing costs, inputs, energy consumption, waste, or pollution. Its origin is the increased consumer, regulatory and industry interest in clean forms of energy generation—specifically, perhaps, the rise in awareness of global warming and the impact on the natural environment from the burning of fossil fuels.

(compliments of wikipedia @ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cleantech )

....and sustainability being:

Sustainability is a characteristic of a process or state that can be maintained at a certain level indefinitely. The term, in its environmental usage, refers to the potential longevity of vital human ecological support systems, such as the planet's climatic system, systems of agriculture, industry, forestry, fisheries, and the systems on which they depend. In recent years, public discourse has led to a use of "sustainability" in reference to how long human ecological systems can be expected to be usefully productive. In the past, complex human societies have died out, sometimes as a result of their own growth-associated impacts on ecological support systems. The implication is that modern industrial society, which continues to grow in scale and complexity, will also collapse.

(found @ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sustainability )

Anyway, I'm looking forward to putting my time in so that I can make enough money to finally be able to afford to sustain my own way of life. Simplification is nice when you are creative enough to endure it, but I don't need to struggle anymore. I have worked too hard... and am willing to fight it out some more if that means that I will be able to live the life that I know that I should be able to have with my level of personal growth, ambition and creativity and moral fiber I've been working to develop. I'm not saying that I'm all the way there. But I'm far from where I've come from and that is an accomplishment in itself.

I honestly feel that I have done the best that I can do under the circumstances to redeem myself, and that now that I've been able to stand with integrity in the face of adversity and have learned to enjoy those moments of tranquility and peace, I am much more equipped to embark upon this next phase of my life. Oye vay!!! I really am looking forward to a change of environment, and a change of pace. Once I can distance myself for a while from having to be constantly bombarded by "society's ills" and can focus upon my education a little bit more, perhaps I can get the rejuvenation and the "purification" I need to better integrate myself into the rest of society by having sort of established and defined my new role. One can only dig ditches so long before the mind and body begin to wear out.

If I'm ever going to be able to sustain my faith and my joy in the opportunity to make a positive impact in the world, school is a great place to begin [or rather shall I say continue]. The beauty of the world of academia is that if you really take the time out to take advantage of the resources there, it is a really affirmative experience and the distractions [well at least the negative ones, depending on how you choose to manage your time] are minimal. There's little family drama, your neighbors are in a similar mindset, there are plenty of mentors, a communal spirit and so on to keep you on track. I intend to take advantage of every opportunity, or rather the specific ones that will enable me to specifically reach my goals.

People keep giving me the advice, "gon' -n- git that money, honey. You don't have no kids, or no man to hold you back. Don't let anything or any MAN get in your way." Well I intend on continuing the streak of celibacy well into the emergence of my career until I can really find myself in a comfortable place economically to make room for those things in my life [sorry fellas, I hope u will respect that....otherwise ur going to be in for a RUDE awakening]. But I know that being a working mother is hard, particularly when you're someone like me who is overly concerned about children's development. You should have seen how much time I invested with my mom's chocolate lab. [Not to say they are the same ... I'm just pointing out how invested I like to be in the development of "promising dependents"]

I know that I'm going to be active in the community and probably working on independent artistic and engineering projects and designs and that's going to take a lot of time away from being able to devote the same amount of energy as a stay at home parent. Ideally what would happen is that when the time comes that I will be able to afford a really skilled and dedicated caretaker who can supplement that responsibility and attention when I'm not able to be there... and let's be frank, I would never leave that in the hands of some man. That isn't meant to male bash, but I would need someone helpful that could pay attention to the details like women have been socialized to do, and would aid me in raising my children in a safe, joyful, respectful, and holistic manner that most men aren't quite attuned to... a matriarchal village if you will.

You'd be suprised how having that influence around fosters such a sense of independence and gentleness/ but strength that there really should be more of in this world as opposed to some of these awful mixed messages that are being sent out toward youth today.... I'm not sure who set me straight, but I have done and will continue to do a lot of inner growth as well in order to sustain the happiness and fulfillment I have earned. Unfortunately, I feel this compulsion to lament that as long as there is suffering and irresponsibility in this world that I won't feel entitled to truly bask in the beauty that is the universe, but I can definitely sleep more peaceably if I can attest that I have at least contributed my part.

here are the links:
http://www.cleantechblog.com/
http://cleantech.com/
http://www.cleantech.org/
http://cleantechnetwork.com/index.cfm?pageSRC=CleantechDefined
http://www.epa.gov/sustainability/http://www.sustainer.org/
http://www.sustainability.org/
http://www.sustainablemeasures.com/
http://www.sustainability.com/

http://www.innergrowth.org/

http://www.neosoultoday.blogspot.com/

http://www.higherawareness.com/indexa.html