That's Odd

My career personality is...
Enterprising
Are you a natural born leader? Are you (or wish you were) the president of your class? We ask because according to the Holland codes, you show an interest in business and leadership roles. As an "enterprising" type, you're probably ambitious and persuasive... Read more...

What's your career personality?

Labor moves from Cradle to Cradle

Imagine what life would be like if after you retired from working for 30 something years you retired. What would you do with that time? Immediately I knew I'd end up doing mine in service, which got me thinking... My gramps, when he retired took up playing golf. He's in the best physical shape of any 80 year old that I've ever known, and has most of his faculties, which makes it hard to get over on him. My dad is so busy working all the time we don't see him as much, and that was the same scenario with his dad who worked many jobs to support 8 kids. So gramps spends his time making up for that by teaching inner city kids to play golf in the summer... among other life skills. That's actually how my little brother found out about the college that we both attend. --sigh, yes I know he was here first. It's a serendipitous model, but I'm not going to lie. If I get to be half as influential to young minds as he has been to me, I'll have a lot to be grateful for. I think that paternal/crone influence is what is missing in the lives of most of America's youth. And it's only a matter of time [a very short time] that they will be gone and many of their values and work ethic will be lost... particularly if this previous executive administration is an indicator of what we have to look forward to. as rick james once said, "cocaine is a hell of a drug". i think perhaps dubya could have used an elder in his life to guide him to some of the crucial realizations that he missed.

I was thinking that it would be really cool to set up a program for people who want to retire, but are not old enough, or want to spend their sabbaticals in service teaching or providing apprenticeship programs. Perhaps a fund or program could be set up where companies take pension fund money and put it into a program for those who wish to participate, and instead of forcing people into early retirement, or if the people who work for them are a just really too much dead weight but they can't get rid of them because of seniority, the aging or disgruntled worker could be trained to teach young adults practical vocational and management skills through colleges. As incentive for companies to participate in these programs, they could be given exclusive access to pre-screened college undergraduates who receive a stipend from a grant fund to perform internships, before they are hired on permanently onto their new jobs. I think that it could be constructive. It's like a work factory or something. Or at least that's what I pictured in my mind. They say that retirees who stay active have better health and mental well-being than those who become idle. And with the shift in the economic climate, it could be a good use for those who worry that they won't be able to cover their living costs with social security, and would be a better way to take care of those who may not be able to afford retirement, but would prove to be an invaluable asset toward the learning community through their hard work and experience. If nothing else, I'm sure that many older adults would love the opportunity to continue their leisure education and that could open up the market for those who can't afford to go to a larger college to learn holistic, hospitality, or other arts to engage actively retired seniors. cradle to cradle, right?

Didn't know Jack about the Stories I jacked....

I'm working on a project for my job at the college and I keep running across this incredible information that I just thought it would be tragic not to use, or share. The first is from the internet archived collection of Elisabeth Peck's book: Berea's First Century. The second is a bunch of ghost stories about campus buildings that I found from an old edition of Berea College Magazine.

The problem of how to supervise student labor is the most
pressing labor problem in Berea today. Already in 1894 it was
a serious problem when President Frost wrote: "I do not think
anybody in Berea has ever made a study of supervising, and
yet we have a great deal of it to do, and ought to do more. It is
a kingly art and one which there is a great pleasure in exer-
cising, to transform the unskilled apprentice into the efficient
workman." 26 A good supervisor on the campus today with a
clear program of procedures soon trains an unskilled student



Labor for Education 135

into a productive worker without arousing resentment from Ms
corrections; a careless supervisor or one who feels resentment
that he must perform his duties with inexperienced help soon
taints the student with irritation. Of course, a good printer
may not be fitted to supervise; an excellent hospital technician
may exasperate each student who comes within sound of her
voice; and an excellent weaver may find it harder to direct the
labor of student girls than to weave with her own hands the
most intricate pattern of double weaving.

Another problem is the adjustment of labor to the class
schedule. In most forms of work the superintendent finds that
the fifty-minute academic hour is too short a work period,
especially if the student must change his clothes or wash up
within that time. Yet it may be difficult to make a student's
schedule of college courses and still preserve a place for two
consecutive hours of work. Many a student has found a solu-
tion for his labor troubles in a janitor's job, since janitor work,
though it may seem the least interesting of tasks, is usually done
after classwork in a room is ended.

The Berea work policy includes the idea that drudgery has
no great value per se. If labor savers by their introduction bring
to an end some college jobs, the College will face the problem
and provide some other work. Time was when sawing wood
for college furnaces and stoves employed many men students,
but central heating has long since eliminated the work of the
sawyers. Class bells are now under electric control; so no bell
ringer leaves his classes five minutes early to do his hourly
labor. Janitors are no longer responsible for putting out campus
fires by means of their water buckets. Instead, a preferred form
of labor for a few spirited young men is to ride on the two red
fire trucks and operate the up-to-date fire-fighting equipment by
which both the College and the town are protected. The cows
are milked by machine, the college store uses cash registers,
and needlecraft uses electric sewing machines.

The labor program has had to keep pace with the increase
in Berea's enrollment and with the increasing emphasis upon



136 Berea's First Century, 1855-1955

the College Department. In the early days when no student
industries had been set up, the College simply offered Institu-
tional work, as much as was possible. This work was o two
sorts: first, collegiate service such as library work, assistance in
laboratories, and ringing the college bell; second, house work,
such as janitor service, mixing bread for the boarding hall, and
pumping water to the fourth floor of Ladies' Hall. Almost all
the college labor of today has grown from those two types of
institutional work.

Student labor still shelves books in the library and still
cleans classrooms, but the boarding hall's baker now has an
adjunct of his own, the bakery, which bakes the college bread,
and some extra. In fact, many of the college industries, while
performing indispensable services for the College, have en-
larged their facilities for production because of the desire of
people outside the College to share in college services and
products. The laundry, the power and heat, and the dairy
illustrate such enlarged production. Certain adjuncts are es-
sential for teaching agriculture, such as the poultry farm, the
livestock farm, and the garden; but they too produce essential
products for the College and for others. Some students secure
a desirable cultural experience from such an industry as wood-
craft, which sprang from the old woodworking department, and
from the new pottery, which still rests under the wing of a
teacher in the Art Department. Finally, there are certain in-
dustries, such as needlecraft, which were begun as stabilizing
industries to absorb student labor when other types of campus
work were unusually scarce.



To READ SOME of the things that hard-working Berea students
of the past fifty years have said about their "labor for learning"
is to find reassurance that the effort put upon Berea's labor
program has been worthwhile, even though new problems



Labor for Education 137

spring up before the old ones have been quite solved. While
it is in the classroom and the college Chapel that the serious
student becomes devoted to great ideas for the rest of his life,
the place of his labor is likely to be where he becomes habit-
uated to social responsibility and drawn to new interests that
enrich all his mature life.

It was in her Labor Day address, 1952, that a senior said:
"I began my student labor as a waitress in Boone Tavern. Some
of my campus friends are janitors; some are gardeners; some
are weavers; some are typists; and some are making dough at
the Baker} 7 . . . . The way we do a job is more important than
the job because it indicates answers to so many of the questions
that future employers want to know about us." 27

A young man wrote on February 16, 1912: "I have been
thinking what Berea has been to me. When I first heard of
Berea, it was to me as a dream that was about to come true or
a long wishful prayer that was about to be answered, for I had
long hoped that there was some place where a young man
could get an education regardless of his financial situation. . . .
I have learned to do my part and trust in Berea College, and
Berea College trusts in God, so I need feel no uneasiness about
the rest. Some young men think they cannot work and do any
good in school . . . but I say from experience he does not know
how to enjoy life and make his joy pay him in dollars and
cents." 28

In 1928 a lad with fifty-one cents in his pocket stepped off
the bus in Berea and inquired for the "Berea College school-
house." He spent three years in the Academy and four in the
College, earning almost half of his school expenses through
literary and oratorical prizes, and the rest through campus
labor. When he was close to graduation in 1935 he wrote:
"I like to feel that I have been living in a fairly normal way,
instead of getting a theoretical preparation for living. Berea
College, with its work for everyone, is a whole community in
itself, and this fact simplifies our adjustment to the larger
community of the outside world." 29



138 Berea's First Century, 1855-1955

A graduate of the class of 1925, who has become a pro-
fessor In an outstanding medical school, wrote in 1938: "While
at Berea I enjoyed the privilege of working with Mr. Fielder
[garden], Mr. Goudey [painting], and Mr. Osbome, spending
four years with Mr. Osbome and his associates ... in the
Treasurer's Office. To me this attitude toward work, that is,
any task however menial or hard, when well done, Is an honor,
and the association with these men are by far the greatest
things that Berea gave to me." 30

Finally from a young woman who will graduate from the
College In 1955: "The next afternoon I went to work In the
College Store. Everyone was busy, but each person took time
to show me the things I would need to know. Those first days
were a mass of confusion, but gradually I learned the pattern
of doing tilings. ... I shall never forget the time I sold a cus-
tomer a fifteen-cent paint brush and then put the whole box of
four dozen brushes into her package. I went home that after-
noon wishing Td never have to return. ... I lived that down
in a few weeks. My labor experience has helped me grow
toward maturity. The people who know me are not my room-
mates, nor my teachers or classmates, but the people with whom
and for whom I work." 31

Here is something else I found that was Awesome!!!

When you visit
Berea College,
you can take
historical tours,
admissions tours and
craft tours. But now,
with Halloween fast
approaching, are you
brave enough to take
Berea’s virtual “ghost”
tour? If you are, then
follow us as we explore
some strange and
unexplained phenomena
on campus.
There are several
accounts of ghostly
presences in College
buildings, whether
sightings, sounds,
touch or just “feelings.”
As we tour some of
these buildings via
personal accounts,
hopefully there will be
a friend nearby whose
arm you can clutch—
just make sure there is
a warm body attached!
10
fall 2003

Page 11
fall 2003
11
of Berea’s Campus
Love Gone Wrong

The oldest legend takes place in
Berea’s oldest building, Fairchild Hall.
Supposedly, “Abigail,” a young woman
residing in Ladies Hall (renamed
Fairchild in 1937), found herself with
child. Rejected by her young man,
Abigail hung herself in the attic.
Ruth Butwell, former dean of
student life, was told this version. “In
the early years, residents stored their
trunks in the Hall’s attic,” she recalls.


“Abigail, pregnant and desperate,
pushed a trunk under a high rafter.
Finding a long, discarded rope she
climbed on the trunk, tied the rope to
the rafter and then around her neck.
Stepping off the trunk she resolved
her predicament the only way she
knew.” Former residents have been
awakened during the night by shuf-
fling noises coming from the attic—
noises much like heavy objects being
scooted across the rough, heavy
floorboards. Upon investigation, the
attic is always found undisturbed.
Over the years, folks reportedly
have seen a young woman on
Fairchild’s balcony wearing an old
fashioned white middy blouse, a loose
red bow around the neck and a long
dark skirt. Could it be. . . Abigail?

Another legend of thwarted love
has a ghost in Phelps Stokes. “As I
heard it,” says College archivist
Shannon Wilson, ’81, “a young man
and woman were alone in the old
wooden structure, Gothic Chapel,
when it caught fire and burned to the
ground, January 30,
1902. The young
woman was killed,
but the young man
somehow escaped.
Presumably she
continues to search
for him in Phelps
Stokes, which was
built on the Gothic
Chapel site.”

Janet Russell,
’79, has also heard
ghost stories of a
young woman
Over the years, folks reportedly have
seen a young woman on Fairchild’s
balcony wearing an old fashioned
white middy blouse, loose red bow
around the neck and a long dark skirt.
By Linda C. Reynolds, ’93
An early room much like Abigail’s, in Fairchild Hall.
Photos courtesy of Hutchins Library Special Collections

Page 12

roaming Phelps Stokes, unhappy
because she was jilted. Russell, the first
female monitor of Phelps Stokes,
never saw an apparition but she did
have a couple of unexplained incidents.
“I lived alone and late at night studying
in my room, with the building securely
locked, I would hear no footsteps, no
doors opening, no other noise except
what sounded like thousands of papers
being shuffled and dropped to the
floor right outside my door. However,
when I opened the door, there was
absolutely nothing or no one there.”

Morris Gay

In 1965 the Berea Fire Department
was made up of Berea College
students. Called out to a fire in
McKee, student Morris Gay jumped
on the truck to help out. History
professor Warren Lambert (now
deceased) explained that Gay, one of
his advisees, was killed that day when
the fire truck wrecked on the road to
McKee. “He was a
brilliant student,” said
Lambert, who gave an
account to the Berea
Citizen of a ghostly
encounter in Fairchild
Hall.

After Gay’s death, a
custodian working in
Fairchild Hall saw a
young man with bright
red hair standing alone
on one of the lower
floors. The custodian
approached him and told
him it was time to leave,
but the man didn’t
respond. The custodian
left the room for just a
moment. When he
returned to let the
stranger out of the
building, the young red-
haired man had vanished
though all the doors were
locked in such a way that he could not
have left without the custodian
unlocking the door. Many believed the
custodian had caught a glimpse of the
spirit of Morris Gay.

The Phantoms of the Theatre
A young blonde actress dressed in a
sparkling blue evening gown is said to
haunt Phelps Stokes, where plays were
produced until 1929 when the old
Tabernacle, known as the Tab,
officially became the drama building.
Allegedly the actress jumped to her
death from the building’s high slate
roof after a harsh public review.
Perhaps the same woman is the ghost
English and theatre professor Paul
Power used to encounter in the Tab.

“Paul told me of the ghostly
encounters and he was sure the ghost
was a woman,” recalls Paul’s wife
Barbara Power, head of circulation at
Hutchins Library. “He only saw her
when he worked alone, late, in the
. . .the young red haired man had
vanished though all the doors were
locked in such a way that he could
not have left without the custodian
unlocking the door.

“I lived alone and late at night
studying in my room I would
hear what sounded like thousands
of papers being shuffled and dropped
to the floor right outside my door.”
12
fall 2003

Page 13
Phelps Stokes Chapel
The old Gothic Chapel burned in January, 1902
costume area. He said she was not
malevolent at all; in fact she was
playful. She might appear first one
place and then quickly appear in
another, like hide-and-seek. Or he
might find his desk papers all switched
around. Paul said he never saw her in
the new Jelkyl Drama Center though,
and believed she ‘went up in smoke,’
when the Tab burned in 1973.”

“We all joked about the phantom
Blue Lady,” says costume designer
Mary Ann Shupe, ’68, “but I never
saw anything although I never felt
alone in the Tab, even when by myself.
I believe that’s due to the building’s
energy from so many performances
over its long history. I never felt any
menacing energy though.”

Pamela Corley ’71, while working
alone in the Tab’s make-up area one
evening, suddenly felt a cold hand on
her back, but “when I turned around
there was no one there,” she says.
Diane Kerby, ’75, also remembers
strange phenomena at the Tab –
sounds, gusts of cold air, footsteps,
even the sensation of someone brush-
ing past. “I’ve heard some actors say
they felt a touch on their arm while
rehearsing,” she recalls. Such tales
prompted Kerby, Joan ’74 and Harold
Bowman ’73 and others (you know
who you are) to test the rumors with a
candle séance in the Tab’s costume
area. “Although I didn’t see anyone
actually blow out the candle,” says
Kerby, “it did go out!”

Who Can It Be Now?
Mike Ross, ’84, director of facilities
management, monitored Presser Hall
for a summer as a student. Awakening
from a sound sleep, Ross thought the
heavy, clomping footsteps coming
from the Gray Auditorium stage a
floor above him were not only unusual
but very annoying. After climbing the
steps, he opened the big wooden audi-
torium door. He was surprised to find
no one there and the outer building
doors still locked. “A few nights later,
the same loud footsteps, like people
walking across the stage, awakened me
a second time,” he recalls. “Again,
when I checked no one was there. The
third time I was awakened by the loud
footsteps, I said ‘Uh-uh, I’m staying
put’ and pulled the covers up over my
head!” Now that Presser has been ren-
ovated, we can’t wait to check with
the music department and see if those
ghosts are still around!

If you are still reading this then
you have made it to the end of our
tour. Congratulations! With all the
building renovations that have been
going on campus-wide, by now these
ghosts may have fled at the sounds of
construction. On the other hand, the
ghosts might be even more determined
to stake their claim on their buildings.
Next time you’re on campus, you’d
better keep your eyes wide open!

Do you know any stories about
ghosts, spirits, or phantoms
haunting the hallowed halls of
Berea College? Please share them
with us! Send your ghostly
recollections to:
Berea College Magazine
CPO 2142
Berea, KY 40404
or e-mail
annmary_quarandillo@berea.edu

well at least i thought it was cute.... =P

i think there's a few more stories about hauntings at berea here

Do Women and Minorities Need Thicker Skin to Do Math and Science

Ahhh, nothing says good morning like a good public berating and an i.d. flush. I picked a good day to begin the next phase of character development. I wrote a post yesterday on my other site in which I referenced an old friend of mine whom I considered to be a mensch. I wanted to post a video regarding menschdom on the site, but alas, most of the mensch related youtube videos were related toward finding a mensch TO MARRY than to emulate. I just would like to be a Mensch, but I realize that there are certain behaviors that I'm going to have to eradicate if I am going to ever be able to be one.

Hence the challenge. Anybody can project a great image of themselves when life is peaceful and the universal flow allows them to move in that direction. It can become a nightmare to be the only one doing the right thing, or be torn up inside about what that thing is when you encounter conflict, adversity or when something that you are particularly sensitive about presents itself as an issue.

Ironically I made the decision to consciously increase my standards by eliminating gossip, complaining, and negativity from my repertoire, but oh my. It's amazing how difficult that can be when the opportunity presents itself. After last night, i've found myself secretly hoping that something completely absurd will happen [as it did yesterday, to remove the focus off of intense areas of agitation for me, so that I can sublimate my negativity better into more constructive means. Case in point:

Last night, I had a meeting that I was building up a lot of anxiety about. I was put in charge of a project that I am acutely aware that I am unprepared for [in terms of training, leadership skills, etc., and as a result my team isn't motivated to do their jobs, or at this point show up to meetings either, which I will own up to, is due to the lack of leadership.] The other person, I work with, that I was looking to for mentorship, doesn't really have interest in the project, which is why I was surprised that she dragged me, even though I expressed my reluctance on board. I will give it to her, the girl is one hell of a closer and can get you to do anything, and I mean ANYTHING, even after you tell her no. I'd hate to see what lengths she goes to once she gets some money backing her. Anyway, aside from her manipulative and shrew-like tendencies, I like her, but we clash over management styles, because I hate [and when I say hate I mean ABSOLUTELY HATE micromanagement. I'm pretty sure it's on my list of pet peeves, but unfortunately she was a much more effective project leader than I was because that is how she "motivates people" to do things. Me, I don't want to twist people's arms and have to be up people's *ss all the time.

What can I say, I have a life now, I've been there, and I didn't like myself as a person when I did it.... I have yet to meet anyone who acts like that who does like themselves. Micromanagers have very high stress levels, risk factors for stress related illnesses and death, and predisposition toward engaging in risky behaviors, such as alcholism, drug abuse, and meaningless sex. I've sworn off all of those things, and quit smoking, but my fears of inadequacy about this project and avoidance of conflict really make me reconsider it. Instead I've been going to the pool, or making crafts, or listening to guided meditation or something.

Anyway, the girl didn't show up to the meeting, which is fine. she hi-jacked my last one and dragged it out an extra hour. but no one showed up, so in order to reduce the panic that was building in my stomach and in an attempt to exercise good faith i went to this ice cream shop before hand and split this massive brownie sunday with a good friend of mine. what i didn't realize is that since i have switched over to a primarily soy based diet, that i am now lactose intolerant and when the clock hit nine, i hit the card reader with my idea and went flying to the bathroom [sorry for the overshare, but it will be worth it i promise].

while i was in the stall, i saw my id hanging out of my pocket and something told me to put it on my windowsill [i thought it was fear, evidently it was intution, i've been getting those two confused a lot lately]. i thought, nah, i'll just leave it where it is. if i set it in the sill, i will probably forget it and end up locked out. i checked the toilet because i was worried i used too much toilet paper. i've been trying to be mindful of my consumption levels. then i flushed, washed my hands and stuck my hands in my pocket. my id was gone.

no worries, i went back, checked. nothing. checked under the sink, under the closet door, checked all the stalls. nope. the only logical explanation was that i somehow managed to flush it, which is a feat in itself. the physics don't even add up to that, but unless it just vanished into thin air, that is the only thing it could have been. i was very present at the time, so i don't know what else it could have been. i went looked around to be sure, went back to the conference room and after 10 minutes i left a note that read;

"i was here, no one showed, flushed i.d., gone to bed. Please do not disturb."

--sigh, i went back to my room, and i wanted to cry, but my bed is lofted and my roomate had company so i just sat in the corner and made jewelry. this just happened to be the same day, and the only time that this happened when i left my good fortune choker, that i'd made out of hemp in the locker room after my swim class... coincidence, probably, but definitely poorly timed. i think the jewelry making was a good call, because it gave me a little bit of time to decide how i wanted to handle the other situation, and the id thing was so absurd, i couldn't help but to laugh about it. there was no need being all intense about it right? so that's what i'm working on. whenever i feel intense reactions about things, sort of detaching from those sentiments and sublimating them into something more constructive.

the choker is gone. i checked the lost and found this morning, and really i'm okay with that. i was even ok with letting the id go. getting a new one was like getting a new identity. this morning i had to make the decision do i go to class, or get my i.d. and i'm not really a skipper, unless there's an emergency or something, so i thought to myself,

if they take a new picture today, i want to be able to look at myself and remember that i consciously chose that day to exercise a little bit of integrity... i don't know why that seems like a challenge. doing the right thing comes pretty natural to me. i think i have found it a bit of a burden lately because i've received a little bit of criticism from someone who i thought was a friend who called me "annoying" behind my back because "she thinks she's somebody's mother or something. just because she's 27 doesn't mean that she knows everything...." okay britney spears, have at it. i'm ok with stepping away. that's not something i want to be all dark and angsty about.

the reason i'm writing this post, however, is because i'm actually sublimating something else that's bothering me that i feel pretty intensely about....

I'm taking a summer course in physical science that is pretty grueling. And if I didn't work my ass off, I might not have been so sensitive to being antagonistically and publically berated by my professor, and i still don't understand what i did that was so offensive. i don't want to call too much attention to it because i don't want to fuel it or make myself a target. but it has something to do with asking questions about how to do the lab. i asked for help, because i frequently find myself the last person in the lab asking how to use the software, [a lot has changed in microsoft excel since i took the class on how to use it back in the summer of 2001]. i should have known there was a problem when he put a paper towel under my iced coffee, or when he asked me if i understood and i told him that i really didn't and he told me that he would explain it again... this time in english. but i dismissed it because well, he always cracks jokes. i didn't realize that i had pushed some button. and the truth is, i doubt it was even about me. but i was having difficulty getting the exponential trendline to show up on the graph. i looked it up in help and the information listed wasn't consistent with what was in front of me.

it usually takes me a lot to ask for help, and really after a moderate level of frustration, when the epiphany hits me that it's probably more constructive to just ask how to do the exercise properly than to work myself up over something that can be fixed if i am shown how to do it. evidently though this is where the problem came in, and this is not the first time. i tried to explain that with my background i wasn't sure how to anticipate whatever it was that he was talking about, because he definitely expected me to know something which just so happened to be the piece i was missing... and his response to me was, that was the wrong answer. then he left me sitting there very puzzled and proceeded to walk around the classroom announcing that in order to get the problems that we needed to struggle and that "you're not gaining anything by having someone show you how to do it." i just sat there clicking around trying to keep my blood from boiling over. i felt like it was an attack on my personal integrity, particularly as i, who can be pretty computer saavy and the queen of research, was being criticized for asking for help... a recurring issue that keeps coming up in my math and science courses... particularly when i get the textbook example of patriarchal men for my professors.



i first encountered this kind of academic arrogance when i went to michigan state. there was this british guy who taught chemistry that treated me like a jerk for coming to his office hours and asking how to understand how to do the computations. maybe i was asking stupid questions. maybe he just expected me to know it, the truth was, it turned out that there was a lot missing from my math background that kept me from connecting with the material. i got so fed up, i started going to another professor's section because there wasn't an attendance policy, someone who was much more engaging, who recognized what the problem was because he had a background that included taking an interest in his students and tada, i got a b in the course.

spring forward to fall semester here, i had an altercation with my math professor over something similar. evidently his granddaughter was having heart surgery that day, some girl antagonized him about his grading on what should have been a legitimate grievance, but she dealt with it poorly. my question was about the same problem, he tried to deflect whatever was going on by calling on me, and i had put my hand down about five minutes prior. i tried very carefully to state that the way the question was worded, it appeared that there could be some confusion about what was being asked and the guy flipped out. [and when i say flipped out, he flipped out, the other girl egged him on, and he stormed out slamming a door] i quietly gathered my things to leave and ran into him in the door way, in which he snidely remarked to me "where do you think you're going." i didn't go to class for a week because my anxiety was through the roof. it was by far the worst anxiety attack i've ever had. the lady from counseling services felt so bad for me that she canceled her appointments so that she could come with me to explain my issue... [and it boiled down to she had to be the one with the balls to bring up the race and gender issue,] and i realized then, that this is something that i don't think i'll ever be able to escape when i'm dealing with people for whom this stuff comes naturally... but then again, maybe i just need thicker skin or something.



i don't want to feed this mentality by reacting as arrogantly as these guys did, but i can definitely see why they are pissy about it. the thing is, i don't know how to react in this situation and so instead i simply hold it in, in a very taciturn manner. i know that if i react, my behavior will be written off as some sort of character defect of my gender or race, and if i don't react it becomes the green light for this type of behavior to happen again. because it hasn't affected my grading it isn't really an issue that i take to the ombudsman. i learned last semester with my writing professor, who i'm currently appealing my grade with [a "B" to an A because it's what i earned], that when professor's egos are involved, you don't want to exacerbate it with an appeal, even when it's a legitimate one, because they perceive it as an attack on their professional qualifications... that math teacher told me that, not in reference to me, but in regards to the other student. his explanation was that somehow i had just gotten "caught up in the mix" and that indeed my question was legitimate, but as his wife had explained, it was just a bit of transference.

i understand people are human, and i can accept that. it's why i try not to hold onto things. but i love how when these guys get these revelations that this is supposed to be the bit of struggle that gives them their character, that makes them better than me. meanwhile i struggle with decisions like this every single day, and i don't have a single mark against my reputation for flipping out on people, saying, doing anything inappropriate. i don't ask for any accolades for it, and i keep going, even on days when i want to cry and quit or lash out, but still it is my character that is called into question if i don't say anything. if i engage with them i'm accused of being militant, disorderly or sensitive. if i do nothing an assumption is made that i don't care, i'm too stupid to care, or that i don't have a backbone. and i made sure to ask specifically about this when i was being interviewed. but through all of lies and reassurances i keep going. i keep sticking it out, hoping that perhaps if i get through it, that it will soften the blows to someone who shares my path or wants to follow my lead.

but frankly the experience of being marginalized in the classroom a bit discouraging. in order to be authentic i have to notice it. to have integrity i have to not react toward it in a destructive manner. to be assertive i have to deal with it, or find a constructive way to work past it. but really all i want to do is feel better and avoid having to go through with it. i think for those of us who don't have the background to have any intuition in the math and sciences without any previous form of reference. i have to rely on visual models or practice and examples in how to perform procedures when i have no frame of reference to correlate it to. and it takes both time and good models for many who lack a mathmatic, technical, or scientific background to be able to master it, and i'm on the upper end of the learning curve because of the little bit of privilege i had growing up. but there are still learning gaps there, and i think sometimes the guys teaching forget that. but, in all fairness, i was warned not to take the guy's course.

but my view is very holistic and i wanted to have a sense of what i was getting into before i took anymore of his courses at the higher level. i believe it was a good call, although some may argue that i probably just committed some form of academic suicide by rationalizing taking the guy's course. from what i've experienced, struggle is only effective when you have that burning question in your mind, or some driving desire toward or idea of the direction that you're headed toward. it's about following through. but unnecessary struggle only wastes time, energy and causes burnout and i can draw you an atomic model if i need to that will accurately illustrate that fact, because yes, right now i am an angry woman who learns either through practice, experience or being able to formulate an accurate picture to correlate how to correctly follow the procedure. [yeah jerk, why do you think we use recipes, or read magazines].

i'm not really that angry, but the intensity was definitely there earlier. i would have just left, but i didn't want to make a scene. i would have emailed him, but i didn't want to make myself a target again. i just hung out with my girlfriend. i didn't complain. i wanted to spontaneously combust. i've begun to realize that my intensity level increases when i internalize stuff that really should be dealt with. but in picking and choosing my battles, [something i struggle with daily, unless the realization hits that there is a more constructive and efficient way to learn the lesson...] i just stew a little. i let go a little. and repeat the pattern until many half-lives later i can let it go enough to move on. but i won't lie, i don't care how thick my skin gets, each time it gets me deeper and deeper. i'm a the point now where i'm back in the age of black renaissance. that's right, i've had to break out maya and langston to remind me that regardless of what these people try to do to humiliate me, excellence in character comes second nature because for people like them, cruelty and arrogance is the mechanism some people use to try to challenge and motivate others. it is a sick practice, but it would be more unhealthy for me to buy into it. i just regret that the reputation of an institution that prides itself in shaping and developing leaders must be marred by the character defects of those who think that creating conflict is an appropriate means of building character. But perhaps this is why they say that "the road to hell is paved with good intentions".

But how do we cope, we women and minorities, who are fairly sensitive as any female or minority could be when they are few and far between or among the first in the field as many of our mentors are? I can definitely see the predisposition of bitterness and hostility that many black faculty members feel toward their administrations in predominately white institutions. I definitely would love to know if any associations have been built that deal with this phenomenon and would love to spend my winter short term working on an internship that addresses the problem of support and resources so that we can better support those who come from ill-equipped backgrounds to cope with problems like these. Because my skin can only get so thick and equal opportunity does not exist when disparity exists in backgrounds and allowances aren't made to supplement these discrepancies. I can see now why many women and minorities are often deterred from wanting to continue their work in them.



after watching this, i think that from now, on the noble choice might be to simply stand quietly, collect my things and state quietly and calmly, "I think it's best I leave. I don't want to risk offending anyone else." and the go.

I wonder what Sheila Tobias would think:

Books by Sheila Tobias

Science Teaching as a ProfessionResearch Corporation for Advancement of Science has just published a new book by Sheila Tobias and veteran science teacher Anne Baffert. The title is Science Teaching as a Profession: Why It Isn't, How It Could Be. Based upon their communications with nearly 500 science teachers across the United States, Tobias and Baffert explore what is needed to reduce attrition by high school science teachers at a time when the U.S. is facing increasing competition. Download a free PDF.

Overcoming Math AnxietySheila Tobias first wrote Overcoming Math Anxiety in 1978. In her updated version, published by W. W. Norton in 1994 (and in paperback in 1995), she enlarges on her analysis of the attitude and approach variables that interfere with students' performance in college-level mathematics. Their problem, she finds, is not a failure of intellect but a failure of nerve. Above all, she challenges the notion that "math anxiety" is a disability. "Math Anxiety" can be overcome. Available in bookstores.

Succeed with MathTobias' second book, Succeed with Math, tells teachers and students (college age and older) how to approach mathematics and master it without anxiety. Her books and her talks are particularly pertinent to the issue of access for minorities and women. She brings a video tape of a math anxiety session along. Available from The College Board, Book Department, 45 Columbus Ave. New York, N.Y. 10023-6917. By Visa or MasterCard by calling The College Board, 800-323-7155.

Not DumbIn an effort to disentangle the many variables that account for failure and/or unwillingness of large numbers of college students to pursue mathematics and science, Sheila Tobias has engaged otherwise successful outsiders in a series of experiments across disciplinary boundaries. She finds that barriers to learning are the result of "disciplinary cultures." Available from Sheila Tobias, P.O. Box 43758, Tucson AZ 85733-3758, at $5.00 for single copies, $3.00 per copy in orders of 15 or more. Checks only.

Breaking the Science BarrierThis book explains how to succeed in college math and science classes. It explores the fundamentals of understanding science and the kinds of study and thinking that college professors expect. The meanings of terms in science, how understanding changes from high school to college, and making connections among facts are also covered. Available from The College Board, Book Department, 45 Columbus Ave. New York, N.Y. 10023-6917. By Visa or MasterCard by calling The College Board, 800-323-7155.

Revitalizing Undergraduate ScienceEvery wave of mathematics and science education reform obliterates the one before and leaves little lasting change in its wake. This book is available directly from Research Corporation for Advancement of Science, 101 N. Wilmot Road. Tucson, AZ 85711 or by fax 520-571-1119, Price: $3.95 per copy. A computer program called "A Department-Based Audit to Improve the Quality of Undergraduate Instruction in the Sciences" is also available as a free downloadable .zip file. The program comes without support and without warrantee.

The Hidden CurriculumA collection of narratives about innovations in exam content, exam format, exam ecology, and grading practices from 160 teaching faculty in colleges and universities. Demonstrates that while faculty may not test what they value, in time students come to value what they test, and that an image of science emerges from traditionally constructed tests that disserves "second tier" students and science majors. Plenum Press, 1997; in bookstores or by ordering directly from Plenum Press, 233 Spring St. New York 10013.

Rethinking Science as a CareerIn this study of scientists in mid-career and young scientists on the job market, Sheila Tobias and her co-authors, Daryl Chubin and Kevin Aylesworth, propose new training of undergraduate and graduate majors in science, a reconsideration of the master's degree in science, and "restructuring demand" so that young people of talent can expect to have the work they deserve. Available from Research Corporation for Advancement of Science. Same ordering as above. Price $2.50 per copy.

Faces of Feminism In her narrative history of the second wave of feminism, Sheila Tobias concludes that the "Movement" with a capital M may be over, but the "movement" of American women into power and into the mainstream is unstoppable. How this came about, the future of feminism, and why feminists were so loathe to abandon President Clinton in 1997-98 are topics she addresses in her talks (1), (2), and (3). In (4), she goes beyond and beneath the statistics and examines the underlying paradigmatic "ideology" of access and advancement of women in science. (Westview Press, 1997; paperback, 1998) in bookstores.

... more powerful than a locamotive

i'm soooo going to use the principles of electromagnets to build cool stuff. i just don't know what yet. but it will totally be worth it. schweet.

i think it would be cool to build a scooter with electro magnets. we have segways here that move wicked fast, but if i can get some rudimentary demos maybe we can start building some bigger stuff. now, it appears that i'm going to have to do some research on youtube. you know what else would be cool, is if someone started an archival project that provided digital copies of every book that lists an isbn number. that would be a great library of congress internship. they could probably get peer to peer help cataloging if they just uploaded a list and gave people credit for uploading... why is this necessary? because say what you want about copyrights and pirating, but i am of the opinion that ignorance should always cost more than knowledge... but you know, what do i know. i just run on imagination.

Global Problems Need Global Leaders: Why aren't we supplying them?

So I know this may be a bit naive, but it appears that instead of simply bailing out industries that produce substandard products (in an economy that no longer can afford to demand mediocre, poorly crafted products), perhaps a change in fiscal policy might be a better approach that is geared towards building industry and economic opportunity through education. Am I wrong? Here is my theory.

I say all of this upon the basis that it irks me that there are very few established undergraduate sustainable engineering programs available right now. This will be great for me, because it gives me the flexibility once I finish school to study overseas and create my own role or job. But I have to admit, the lack of preparation and resources is discouraging when I think of how poorly planned and unattuned our leaders of innovation and industry must be for the resources no to exist. I think it freaks me out that a day could come very soon, when the responsibility will fall on me and there is like NO ONE, save my fellow peers around, to show me the ropes. --eep. But, If I remember correctly, based upon how we create clubs and whatnot in school, I think the trend goes; you show up and you're freaked out that you don't know as much as you think you should. You get to a point where you feel like you're getting caught up, then HOLY CRAP somehow you ended up in charge and you're freaking out because you don't know as much as you think you should. Here are some steps I mapped toward fixing this problem we're having with lack of preparedness of redesigning our fiscal policy in a short term manner that will move us toward long term goals. hey, it's a theory but at least it's something.

PhiG's Anti- Bailout strategy

• a) review the current fiscal policy (that makes sense, right?)
  


• b) catalog existing environmental and sustainability initiatives
  


• c) centralize these into an organization by creating an association and standard guidelines for participation. This group should offer incentives for those who operate these organizations and other projects to register their organization and to send detailed reports of what they're working on and statistics so that the organization can measure their progress


• d) pay people to assess these projects and organizations and weigh their progress against the current fiscal policy to develop standards of operation and make note of how those organization that operate under cost or are economically sustainable manage to sustain themselves and reward them by providing marketing resources to help these groups gain support and funding


• e) these groups could be linked to intentional communities (with approved community standards) and could provide benefits, like food, housing, and medical assistance (Instead of universal health care) to encourage those who have limited options [and/or reward those who really care to make an effort to improve the economy through their leadership] to foster a new responsible industrial sector of society. This strategy could be implemented without forcing perceived socialism on those who benefit from not participating in a more collective and collaborative structure. This could also be a good way to measure the impact of developing a more [inclusive, responsible] collaborative and sustainable society and increase the level of willing participants who might prefer this option as an alternative to poverty who out of necessity might become willing participants [among those who are currently unemployed]. (ie how Berea College was set up) This way the unemployed labor force could be rediverted into labor based and functioning communities instead of allowing those people who prefer to work, or who are able to collect benefits without making a contribution. This sets a much better example for our youth, the emerging workforce, and builds accountability in industry and builds character.
  


• f) offer incentives or endowments to organizations that can create green jobs but would need funding to supplement the capital needed for the additional overhead. give tax breaks to those corporations who can create jobs that promote community growth and sustainability and create models based upon those companies that show a marked improvement in productivity proportional to this growth in overhead. give these organizations a financial, contracted or some comparable incentive to continue to hire or train people for jobs. (ie berea college)


• g) find investors such as failing corporations with reputations for wasteful products and practices and offer them an option to recruit employees who can redivert company funds towards redeveloping their operational models toward these newer models or divesting funds into more sustainable corporations or practices as an option instead of providing bailouts or forcing companies into bankruptcy. encourage them to send execs to consult these newer, less developed organizations or educational institutions in a co-operative exchange. As they teach stronger organizational and marketing strategies to these institutions here they will learn more sustainable business practices based upon the principles of cradle to cradle technology. this exchange will also instill a sense of social responsibility in current leaders, not only how their products effect the environment, but also ensure that they learn the importance of giving back and how to mentor those who might have otherwise been intimidated by practical applications of finance, risk management, business, etc.


• h) fund teachers and schools that already have strong training programs in social justice, permaculture, sustainability, etc. (ie berea college)


• i) trade surplus products or contract with other nations the rights to use these new organizational models
  


• j) negotiate contracts with other nations for bringing in global expertise that can strengthen educational, productivity skills through their knowledge and leadership. offer scholarships and training to prospective international leaders under the stipulation that they spend some time in service in education in the US or in influential satellite stations or in their investments overseas. (take a cut... probably via tax for those international investors who simply want to invest. but you know, watch out for China ;P)
  

i mean there are a lot of other components that must go into this, but i think as far as a rough skeleton goes, this is what should be happening before we reach the milestone of the next bailout. once this shift begins, plans should be made to restore some of the land and communities to fit more into the natural ecology in order to improve conditions for sustainability. it would also be beneficial to segment a portion of the sustainability industry (probably spearheaded by McDounough and Branaugh that deals with how to reuse some of these resources in a manner that creates less waste and contributes a more significant roles than just job skills that will teach Americans the skills needed to become better leaders than some of the inadequate people we've been relying upon previously. because really, what's the point in having a job if you don't care about what you're doing or know what good you can do with it. Instead, American industry should be focused upon building leaders, encouraging ideas, and funding those who aspire to achieve excellence [under the stipulation that they put it back into the economy of course]. Do what's need to do to ensure quality input and nature will ensure that the rest corrects itself.

Creating Green Collar Jobs

Providence wins grant to create ‘green-jobs’ training program

Report authors say cities can create green jobs by focusing on assets and public policy

Green Jobs Now Initiative :

My only criticism is that this takes much more than a day. Why isn't this a bigger think tank or part of a departmental organization of the academic programs with existing sustainability programs? We need to get it together!!!!