Portrait of an INFJ

Guess who's archetype changed again. Talk about situationaly creativity. I am beginning to think I am like a social chameleon or something. My archetype changes to meet the challenges that arise at each stage of my life. I took the test, actually I'm sitting in class right now waiting for further instruction, at the following site: https://mail.berea.edu/owa/redir.aspx?C=038e510d66c7452d97425f0463662b0d&URL=http%3a%2f%2fwww.humanmetrics.com%2fcgi-win%2fJTypes2.asp . My result was as follows: http://www.personalitypage.com/INFJ.html

I especially liked the part where they talked about:

"INFJ is a natural nurturer; patient, devoted and protective. They make loving parents and usually have strong bonds with their offspring. They have high expectations of their children, and push them to be the best that they can be. This can sometimes manifest itself in the INFJ being hard-nosed and stubborn. But generally, children of an INFJ get devoted and sincere parental guidance, combined with deep caring.

In the workplace, the INFJ usually shows up in areas where they can be creative and somewhat independent. They have a natural affinity for art, and many excel in the sciences, where they make use of their intuition. INFJs can also be found in service-oriented professions. They are not good at dealing with minutia or very detailed tasks. The INFJ will either avoid such things, or else go to the other extreme and become enveloped in the details to the extent that they can no longer see the big picture. An INFJ who has gone the route of becoming meticulous about details may be highly critical of other individuals who are not.

The INFJ individual is gifted in ways that other types are not. Life is not necessarily easy for the INFJ, but they are capable of great depth of feeling and personal achievement. "

Ironically however,

"Because the INFJ has such strong intuitive capabilities, they trust their own instincts above all else. This may result in an INFJ stubborness and tendency to ignore other people's opinions. They believe that they're right. On the other hand, INFJ is a perfectionist who doubts that they are living up to their full potential. INFJs are rarely at complete peace with themselves - there's always something else they should be doing to improve themselves and the world around them. They believe in constant growth, and don't often take time to revel in their accomplishments. They have strong value systems, and need to live their lives in accordance with what they feel is right. In deference to the Feeling aspect of their personalities, INFJs are in some ways gentle and easy going. Conversely, they have very high expectations of themselves, and frequently of their families. They don't believe in compromising their ideals. "

That is me to a tee... Wow! I like how only 1% of the world's population is like me [ ; )#) Awesome!!!!

According to Keirsey (courtesy of yahoo)

"INFJs like to please others and tend to contribute their own best efforts in all situations. They prefer and enjoy agreeing with others, and find conflict disagreeable and destructive. What is known as ESP is likely found in an INFJ more than in any other types, although other types are capable of such phenomena. INFJs have vivid imaginations exercised both as memory and intuition, and this can amount to genius, resulting at times in an INFJ's being seen as mystical. This unfettered imagination often will enable this person to compose complex and often aesthetic works of art such as music, mathematical systems, poems, plays, and novels. In a sense, the INFJ is the most poetic of all the types. Just as the ENTJ cannot not lead, so must an INFJ intuit; this capability extends to people, things, and often events, taking the form of visions, episodes of foreknowledge, premonitions, auditory and visual images of things to come. INFJs can have uncanny communications with certain individuals at a distance. "

To read more about the INFJ go to:

http://www.geocities.com/lifexplore/infj.htm . It will blow your mind!!!!

"At work as well as socially, INFJs are highly sensitive in their handling of others and tend to work well in an organizational structure. They have a capacity for working at jobs which require solitude and concentration, but also do well when in contact with people, providing the human interaction is not superficial. INFJs enjoy problem-solving and can understand and use human systems creatively and humanistically. As employees or employers, INFJs are concerned with people's feelings and are able to provide in themselves a barometer of the feelings of individuals and groups within the organizations. INFJs listen well and are willing and able to consult and cooperate with others. Once a decision is made, they work to implement it. "

This makes me feel much better about my career goals and decision to pursue clean tech. Finally I get to do something or am doing something within alignment with my personal strengths and goals... can you tell i like online quizzes and assessments.... i wonder why...

What Your Taste in Music Says About You

Your musical tastes are energetic and rhythmic. You are full of energy and can be quite talkative. You are forward thinking and open minded. You despise conservatism of any sort. You are intense, detail oriented, and motivated. You are an ambitious person, though your ambition is anything but conventional.

What Does Your Taste in Music Say About You?

to be conscious

Consciousness

it's more than thought

at least i think

or have been taught

it's more than mind

and atmosphere

connects us all

and draws us near

is it more than divine light

does it make our choices right

how can we know

or do we guess

this enigma

called consciousness

like water's warmth

it permeates

our selves and grows

and resonates

until it fills our hearts and minds

and in that state we often find

a way of growth on higher plains

we struggle to find and obtain

but once we have

we hold on tight

to feel the warmth of inner light

an evolution

now are best

surrendering to consciousness

but are we feeling something there

we could be finding everywhere

and it is more how we respond

when obsolete ideas are gone

and we can finally see the truth

and rediscover inner youth

a rebirth and awakening

we can't explain

but helps us dream

i wonder then how it is that so

many of us don't even know

how to tap into

undefined

awareness states

be realigned

i guess we each

must find our path

and pray connection always lasts

and still we must keep on seeking

that higher state and true meaning

that we define here for ourselves

cause we can count on no one else

to drive our hopes

and fuel our dreams

except inspiring

conscious streams

i hope i have opened your mind

we'll talk about it

some other time

Happy Birthday Bro

Make a Smilebox greeting

So you have to check out this ecard i made. It only took me 3 and a half hours to iron out the logistics, but after I got the smilebox download and mastered the editing and conversion stuff, this was the end result. I even included a poem. I definitely encourage you to check it out and to wish Bliq, or Mook a Happy Birthday today. I won't be able to spend time with him because my mom is in town and it's easiest to keep the peace that way. But man, it's killing me not being there. He's the one that helped me get in here.

I may need to rethink this. I'm just trying to avoid a scandal because the thought of my mother only triggers massive amounts of anxiety and I'm worried that if she even looks at me half crazy, which is like all the time I am going to go "there". It's easier for me to be less disrespectful by just making my presence obsolete than to be there anticipating drama. Ugggghhhhhh. And I'm not just being petty about this either. I could tell his wife was not happy about having to spend the weekend with her alone. But I know it would end up far less pleasant had i made an appearance, particularly since she had my phone cut off and was telling people that i was an atheist to try to sabotage my living arrangements and stuff... among other things. Yeah, she's a piece of work. But anyway, that's not the point. [wow, i just totally made this post about her and she's not even here. I gotta work on that~ which i'm aware of, but it still happens. I definitely won't be able to see her until I get past that.

Urrrgggghhhhh!!!!!!! [discharge*] I'm pretty confident that I can work it out though... at least with myself. Like these guys... :

Anyway, my brother won't be reading this. I sent him his own copy free of mommy criticisms. I just have to lay low on Sunday at the spoonbread festival. [yeah, i don't know what that is either.] I just know that I'm opening it in the Afro Latin Percussion Ensemble. ... So that's excititing. Oh yeah, to get the full show, for the ecard, use the "back" and "next" keys under the word mook... that's kind of important. Perhaps if people would like, and time permits, I could customize some cards for a few close personal friends.

Much love

-phi*G

I've found abundance.... Yay!

"If we command our wealth, we shall be rich and free. If our wealth commands us, we are poor indeed."

-- Edmund Burke

It occurred to me this morning that I have everything that I've ever wanted, well at least for this year. It's time to make new goals I think. But I am so greatful for the wonderful support network that I'm cultivating, they're like family to me. I don't have to worry about money right now. I'm surrounded by excellent mentors. My ideas are finally in a medium where they can do some significant good. I'm making a difference in my own life and the lives of others. What more could a person ask for. This is indeed the simple life... It's La Dolce Vida for me. I only hope that those feelings last. But for now, my life is totally sustainable. I just want to give a special thanks for those who have gone out on a limb, or even extended one just to check in and say hello. Mucho props!!!

plus I discovered this on youtube today: http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=the+movement+episode&search_type=&aq=f now i can bring home the best parts of myself that i left behind.....

-phi*G

Procrastination

Putting Things Off
It makes me feel
I’ve prolonged the burden
Of getting things done
When all that I want to
Do, is just finish
So I could have time
To sleep or have fun

With functions and Pinyin
And chapters to read
Committed to learning
But still feel the need
For procrastination
And taking a break
And clearing out brain cells
So room I could make

I’d rather be acing
The things I avoid
And my fear of failure
Makes me paranoid
There’s Youtube and Facebook
And movies online
And blogging and texting
But who has the time

If only there were more
Moments in a day
And it didn’t matter
How I work or played
Reality, it seems
Keeps me coming back
And forces attention
And keeps me on track

But still my mind lingers
To words left unsaid
And me-mories, distractions
Dance round in my head
I just need to focus
And manage my day
I wouldn’t be tired
And feeling this way

But then I’m reminded
Of why I am here
I realize it’s nothing
But doubt angst and fear
But ultimately I love
The life that I live
I’ve so much to offer
And so much to give

I just need to focus
And to stay alert
And this poem’s not helping
But how could it hurt?
To stop for a moment
To just take a break
And remember the things here
I do have at stake

But mostly, I want to
Learn this and be done
And so I’ll go back to
Problem number one

I've FINALLY found THE ONE....

I just had THE MOST transcendent experience (ever...). I was behind schedule the other day [when I originally scribbled this in my steno pad] and running around on like 4 hourse of sleep, trying to make sure that I was keeping up on my assignments, even though it seemed that it was my professors who were unprepared and late that day. By the time 5 o clock rolled around, I was just ready to unload some of those bricks they call books from my tote bag when my computer stalled rebooting. It was wierd, it gave me sort of a red flag that something that I'd done or was doing was causing me to be misaligned or something, like my vibration was off. I was probably missing something or forgetting to do something relatively important. So naturally, I opened my email to scan the names and make sure I hadn't missed a committment.


There were a few emails from friends and student groups. There was one that caught my eye because it was for one of the student groups that I eventually want to be a part of, but I'm kind of stretched thin with classes I knew that I wouldn't be able to participate this semester. Also the name on it caught my eye because I'd initially assumed that the email was from someone in my study group but the last name didn't match. When I realized that it wasn't from who'd I'd initially thought, and after I looked at the clock what was supposed to be happening finally caught up with me.

"OH" I cried out loud. "I [forgot] I was supposed to go to that Buddhist thing!" (and the weird thing was is that I'd checked it off in my calendar as the next place that I should go)... but nevertheless I was still late.

Somehow I convinced myself that if I hurried that I could just quietly slip into the back of the room and catch the lecture. I had only been in the building once, and I'm pretty adept at finding my way around. So when I discovered that what I assumed would be a gallery or small auditorium was actually a classroom hidden behind frosted block glass and that the door was positioned at the front of it, I grew a little alarmed.

My first instinct was to try the doorknow. It turned downward, but after giving it a meager push, I realized that if I forced it open I'd risk REALLY disrupting the class. So I started to feel a little disappointed. I did, however, notice a cracked door with someone working quietly behind it. "Yes," I thought. He could give me the proper protocol for these types of situations~ [Wow, it didn't occur to me until that moment that I am almost NEVER late for things... to the point where I didn't know what to do in that situation... that's not bad]

... I went to the door and melodically chimed, "knock, knock" That's when I noticed that the name on the door. "THATwas so and so from the email!!!!" I had assumed that since it was for a student group that it had been sent out by a student. In fact I think the email was for the first meeting of the African Student Union. I'd wanted to participate but I had a scheduling conflict. But what started out like a bizarre coincidence ended up being a major blessing though... and the rest is history....

I have found my 1st mentor!!!!
[here... or at least the most relevant to my experience. Yay!]... and believe me, I've been phishing. We started the discussion with my intention to attend the event, and the first thing he did was look at his watch and his face cringed and he says to me, "I thought it started at 5 o clock..." If you'd seen the reaction, you would have wanted to laugh, because it was totally an expression that I would have made [with the face and the sidebar instead of just saying, yeah, that's not going to happen].

I was like, "I KNOW..." and explained what happened and he assured me that he could certainly relate to being spread too thin. He was still trying to unpack his office.... So I looked around at the boxes to sort of see what his tastes were. His library was quite impressive and the general assumption that I made was that he must have taught anthropology or something due to the artifacts on his shelves.

To confirm this belief, my eyes fell upon a picture of some Egyptian ruins that he had posted on the wall over his desk. We referenced it and asked him who it was, and we talked about Egyptian Gods... at some point I specifically referenced my past fascination with Ahknatan and the metaphysical aspects of his contributions to monotheism. That led to a discussion about my own experience with trying to write a book about Quantum mechanics and the similarities in metaphysical principals and how I'd independent derived many universal truths at an alarming rate... I mentioned how I'd started going to temple for lack of better mentorship to make sense of the quantum mystical experience that I had begun to experience and that led to a brief reference to my hospitalization and the psychiatrists attitudes regarding my need "to find a more mainstream religion" and then he explained what happened to me was fundamentally an issue of not my pursuing the metaphysical aspects of it but rather my "taking on too much too soon"... that I had probably tapped into something that I hadn't been prepared for and how it would be beneficial to continue with proper guidance and by pacing myself.

He also explained that perhaps, rather than abandon it I approach it much more slowly and methodically and he invited me to come back by his office again. [it was funny because we'd gone from him needing to on his way out in 10 minutes, to being intrigued enough with my story to ask me to sit and have the in depth conversation... which I'd never really had with a grown up before]. That was cool. His basis for understanding and teaching was based upon a lot of muslim denominations that I was unfamiliar with, but he did mention the Sufis... which is what Joel was [my ex... whom I dated during the time I was going through all of that and had a relative understanding of what I was going through]. Evidently, we weren't the only ones out there that had "put ourselves through the ringer" so to speak as they search for universal truths and seek knowledge. But we both, (the professor and I) agreed that most people did not want to do the work because and I felt as if they were too intimidated by the paradigm shift of what letting go of some of their past beliefs would mean, and he attributed to the allusion that many "can't get past the idea of a physical manifestation of God...

I FEEL SOOOOOOOO REAFFIRMED to finally have found someone who gets it, and can explain so eloquently what happened and should be happening with me. PLUS, they have the knowledge and tools to give a little bit of direction into what I might be able to do with it. And more than likely, if they've had that conversation with me, there are others out there that they might know who sit around and discuss these types of things all the time, including their own experiences. Ironically, I know that I'm going to have to find a new advisor... I've been forewarned and those warnings have been more or less accurate. Perhaps I could seriously consider asking him to be my academic advisor. Although, it may be beneficial to have someone in the field of study like applied math and science. But if I want to coordinate my academic experience with what I'd want to do, and write essays and such about Ghandi's waste management plan and how his urban environmental efforts relate to social justice and community development in impoverished areas, there could be some significant work that could be done, and if nothing else it would give me an excellent research project to work on before I graduate. Hmmmmm!!!!!

I thought that I wanted to collaborate on a project with one of my phys ed buddies on alternative energy, service learning and prison reform.... and who knows, perhaps we could still work on that over short period. But I think that would be an excellent avenue, the research project, to do some of my most significan work. I may need to seriously consider that... Hit me back and let me know what you think... But I'm pretty sure that I'm going to pursue it. My moral compass is like completely in alignment with that choice....

images found @ http://www.carolinebinch.co.uk/

Ups N Downs

pic taken from: http://www.stephenjendro.com/images/002_014_250.jpg

So, I had to forgo taking my Abilify for the past couple of days for lack of time and needing to stay awake to get assignments done. Plus there were a couple of moments of just needing a moment to myself. I've had a really hectic schedule. I apologize for not giving you the time that I'd like to. Plus I may be dealing with a little bit of internet addiction as well. I've kind of dealth with that by installing the Timeleft timer system[http://www.timeleft.info/] on my computer...and it's AWESOME. Here is the audio file http://funny-stuff.audio4fun.com/mp3-ringtones.php?page=crazy-ringtones&id=237 that I use on my timer to get myself on track. Click on yo-yo, bang, bang.

I'll show you some links of some of the other the cool things I've found this week, briefly. I have determinants to learn. Evidently the classroom isn't working for that topic. Thank goodness for this:

http://www.cliffsnotes.com/WileyCDA/CliffsReviewTopic/Linear-Equations-Solutions-Using-Determinants.topicArticleId-38949,articleId-38877.html

It may be one of the only cases in which the ethics on using something like this would not be in question.

As far as a brief synopsis of my academic and social life goes here it is:

Classes

Math: It's difficult, but I must say, hell hath frozen over. Math anxiety Monica scored her highest recorded math quiz grade ever, a 91%. Thank you Sheila Tobias. And thank you Joe's coffee shop for putting up with my countless hours of reviewing and studying over the summer and for the kick ass music (XMU) that kept me totally motivated to keep going. I miss you're faux Michelangelo replica of the "the creation" on the ceiling in which God comes down and instead of touching Adam's finger he's handing him a cup of Joe. That was brilliant. I also miss the koi pond. I hope they keep that area up. I feel stumped pretty much every day that I leave the math class: intermediate algebra and trig, but even though the math lab hasn't always been the best option for me, there seem to be a few nice people willing to aid me in my endeavors who know it on the higher level which is great for giving me alternative perspectives on how to solve some of these problems. So, yeah. I'll come back to that

Chinese: What can I say but that class is a beast. Every day I go I feel confident that I'll be adequately prepared, but by the time I leave I'm contemplating where to go and have a heart attack. If it isn't the tones, or the pronunciation it's the vocabulary itself that can be confusing because Mandarin is not synonymous with having formulated complete sentences. It explains a lot like why the women at the market use what we think of as broken English, or when I'm talking to someone who doesn't speak my language the lean their head to the side and act as if they're really having a hard time keeping up with the conversation as I try to describe things. Had I known I would have just kept things to two and three word fragments. But it's cool, they're here to learn and people appreciate that kind of sensitivity.
http://how-to-learn-any-language.com/e/languages/cantonese-chinese/tone-system.html
Technically I'm taking Mandarin, but I think they just got the label wrong.

Tech: It would be my favorite class if it were more structured and the jackasses in it took it more seriously. I look at the syllabus and I get excited, ooh power systems and environmental impact of industrial technology. Or yay videography and hooray for environmental intelligence. It's been giving me some great inspiration on the personal front, like reminding me of why I'm in school in the first place. I just wish I could remember to put my head there when I'm working food service....

Afro-Latin Percussion Ensemble
We have our first performance on the 21st. Since the class only meets once a week it's been challenging keeping up, but I'm one of the better beginners in terms of keeping up with rhythms and one of the worst it seems out of getting the tones out of the djembe, although I'd like to think it was just a bad drum. I just let my instructor think that it was improvement. But we had a very good talk after class about finding areas to practice outdoors, while the weather still permits. We got asked to stop last Friday by a campus cop on a segway (we'll come to that later), and since my professor was late for my music lesson it kind of threw me off... we'll come back to that in the next post... But he told me what I could work on and gave me some bass bass tone tone drills to do. So hopefully the school chaplain will let me borrow her djembe over the weekend so that i can practice some of the sacred Ghanian rhythms.

The movement: Veggie Board

Essentially there was some issue over the accessibility of preservative free, fresh veggies in the vegetarian line particularly for vegans, because we were like literally eating beans and rice and salad every day. So I set up a meeting before school started, met with some students and formed an unofficial, [notorious] underground veggie-based organization and used the feedback to sell the most incredible powerpoint i've ever done that was not for a class.... i had one that was close once, but i couldn't get the music coordinated with the presentation because the technology wasn't available yet. [well to people like me]... anyway, so i hooked it up [anyone who is interested in seeing it email me, I may integrate it into a slideshow at a later date.... or...



Ohhh.... Technology.....(yes)

Percussion: I've been looking for drums that are used and under $50. I don't quite understand paying over a hundred bucks that you can get for $16 that's handcrafted in Ghana. I would just need a used one, which I found on amazon for a great price until I can either study abroad or find a vegan handcrafted one somewhere for not too much.

Exercise: I want to get to the gym more. But I also want to pass my ridiculously hard classes. So my efforts have been limited to trudging around campus with the weight of my overstocked sara lee bag.... (tell kathy from the meat department the bag has become my signature). Everytime I want to go to the gym in the morning it is closed, cause evidently I get up too early. I may have to shower at the facility though. I haven't decided yet primarily because I like the idea of breakfast. But really I need the energy in the evenings, particularly when I work. Maybe if I can sucessfully reconfigure my schedule to college student hours rather than corporate hours I should be fine.

Freshman Boys... : Some of them are a little older, some of them are not freshmen, but still if I catch myself looking at one of them inappropriately I feel like all dirty like I'm some kind of pedophile. I was in college when most of these kids were still in elementary school. How eerie is that, that the hot guy that sits in front of me, who looked all goofy during orientation is starting to look hot now that they're doing conditioning and stuff and I'd say it pisses me off but it doesn't. It just make me feel bad about myself, until I can convince myself of something ridiculous like; I'm here to be a mentor to these cats or remember how much more devastating it is to date younger guys if you break up. You can't treat them like sh*t because there is that maturity factor and you can't be responsible for crushing their fragile little egos, particularly if they cheat or they are just wicked immature. Then you being in a relationship turns into you having to baby sit or train some dude how to respond to you. Then when it doesn't work out, you get to see your creation walking around wearing the shirts you picked out for him, holding hands with some chick that you've instantly decided that you can't stand. I'm serious DON'T DO IT. As Riley Freeman said: "Don't do it grandad, Don't feed her," I'm saying don't date those mutha f*ckaz.

If you happen to meet one in Jamaica, leave that sh*t there. You may think you've gotten your groove back, but when their mama or jealous psychotic ex comes looking for your ass you'll think, damn, why didn't I listen to Philosophergurl? I'm telling you. They may look all innocent and bright and shiny when you first see them and you'll think, "yay, finally someone who isn't dead inside, i gotta get in on that action" but this is a mistake. I repeat, this is a HUGE mistake. Realistically, unless you just straight up don't know the age, the best case scenario is that you become platonic lifetime companions. It's like dating your younger brother's friends... Of course they may want to, but you should totally know better. Unfortunately "women years" are like "dog years" to men. Unless you have the patience of mother freakin theresa, you better find a way to let that go. This hasn't quite registered with many men yet, which is why they get that complex where they become consumed by insecurity and they feel the need to control and micromanag
e their relationships. Don't believe me, look at some of the people you work with like that, or work for....

The support system: Back on topic I'm still trying to find a good solid support system. But I'm getting it here and there. I'm beginning to cultivate a little bit of an entourage and they are awesome. Some of these people are so self-actualized it makes me look like I barely take risks.... Me! But then again, I do it and then b*tch about it....

I've got more coming on that later. I've finally found the ONE...

(my Mentor) It's a cute little story behind it. People are already jealous.... I look forward to quoting him for stuff later.... Until then, I will leave you with this insight... Dr. X told me, that what probably has been happening to me is that I'm taking on too much too soon [in reference to my Quantum Mystical breakdown in combination with stress]. He did not agree that I should take on a "more Mainstream religion" as the psychiatrist from Georgia Regional hospital had advised but rather I should continue upon my search for truth but "pace myself". That's going to be my biggest challenge I know. I'm so used to forging ahead at lightening speed out of necessity, that there are times when I lose my focus. On that note I'm going to have to stop here and assure you that I will update these posts with cool visuals such as the ones from the white cap website [Put this on your media player.... you will totally thank me.... www.soundspectrum.com/whitecap/ ]

Coming soon (I decided I wanted the progression of this stuff to come at a more appropriate time, like tomorrow when I don't have any more assignments to worry about. Such as:

Update on my MAJOR debaucle....

Convo: Chasing the Flame b Samantha Power about deceased activist Sérgio Vieira de Mello and what I took from that...

Late night info & product search:
(at a reduced price)
kiyoseki http://www.kstyler.com/
mini fryer
djembe hand drum
silk head scarves
vegan food
winter apparel
trendy bargain tunics
and so on....

Sweded Videos: (yes, the movement has begun) I was thinking about doing an extended sweded black adaptation of the chronicles of Narnia in the spring and possibly the color purple and if they turn out well we could submit them to film festivals. Of course we'll have to change names, but they can totally get their props so you won't be calling my sh*t a rip-off. For those of you who don't know what "sweded" is either get flash and check out these clips, or go see the movie "Be Kind, Rewind" with Mos Def and Jack Black.


Did anybody see operation tropic thunder.... or whatever that movie was when robert downey jr plays a black man? how was that? Anyway, soooo off topic
http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=sweded+videos&search_type=&aq=0&oq=sweded+v

Losing my mind in: Lunch Lady Land...

So who needs a counseling session? I do. Man, it's like my third day in my new labor position and I am a hot mess. I might've been cool if I could have just had a moment to leave and collect myself, but when they told me that we didn't get any breaks and the guy was like getting all loud and firm with me about "I should've done this..." and you're wrong, I went from seriously wanting to lose it to breaking down in tears. It wasn't all dramatic or anything. I tried to be cool about it, but damn it I'm old, and tired. I don't need five different people, who haven't even trained me micromanaging me all the time, and talking to me any kind of way. Their fast food management style may work at Dairy Queen, but this is a campus job. I'm just there so that I can keep my scholarship and there should be a million other places that I could go. Still I don't want to be a punk or a diva about it, so I tried to go in with the attitude that I should be honored to have the opportunity to do a little bit of grunt work to be able to go to school, but the working conditions there are a little too intense for me, I'm not even going to lie. I left the restaurant industry for good reason. That type of environment is too much for me, particularly with my history of being abused and let's face it, I'm old. I already have a lot of moral objections to how they operate the facility, and I tried to convince myself that if the other kids have to do it, then I need to suck it up and play my part. But seriously, working there is like being stuck in a giant hotflash, and I leave every shift feeling miserable and reluctant to show up the next time.





I've tried humor. The movie Office Space comes to mind and I keep myself entertained by coming up with elaborate schemes to get fired, like hi-jacking all of the meat and torching it in the quad or something in a form of protest. But I'm not trying to get kicked out of school. We just got done reading this book called Whistle While You Work, about pursuing your life's calling and that only makes me more resentful, which is contradictory to the Brahman standard that I'd adopted a few years back that it is honorable to want to be of service, because I don't feel like I'm being of service. I feel like I'm being dumped into a station, with no training, no music, no sense of belonging, and I'm certainly not being treated respectfully by my supervisors, and it's hard for me to want to own that. I know these guys are only doing their job, and they haven't really been trained how to train people so that they don't have to project their sense of crises mode onto what I'm doing... and I do it quite well, I might add. But seriously, these kids are like several years older than me and I don't want to have to feel like I'm having to make the choice between getting them straight or subjecting myself to being treated like an infant by some "12 year old".





This one guy lit into me after I asked him how the breaks worked, about an hour before we were supposed to leave and I firmly but professionally explained to him that there had been some discrepancies and lack of clarity regarding how that information was disemminated and he started acting like he was looking to get cussed out. I could feel it. My blood was boiling and I started getting really agitated, and when I get to that point it's like I can't even formulate complete sentences anymore except to calmly repeat any further clarification of what my grievance was, and by the time I figured out this dude wasn't listening, I just was like, "fine..." Man, that was a bad idea, cause then he was like, "oh, what you want to talk now? What did you have to say, go on say it." Then I started to tear up, and it called unnecessary attention to me, and people were looking and I had to go out to the back dock to have the talk.

"Gettin em told..."

I told the dude, my issue wasn't even about the food, I was just pissed about being talked to any kind of way and harassed by people, who didn't even make the effort to train me, but expected me to know everything. And it wasn't like I was standing around with my thumb up my ass.. Most of the time when I was getting interrupted from what I was doing, I was doing other work. I had a cart out on the floor and was stocking things. Then one person would as me to do something and I'd be like sure, let me just finish this up, then I'd go to do that thing and they'd be like, "what are you doing? Why aren't you doing this other thing? or we need you to do such and such in addition to what you're already doing because so and so didn't show up, or oh somebody else did that, why don't you go do this, and why isn't this stocked, and who did you ask cause they told you wrong...." that's what really got under my skin I think.... being reprimanded because someone else told me the wrong information if they did that. And it isn't like I wasn't asking for the information, they just were so unclear as if I was supposed to have esp or something and just magically figure it out.

Anyway, I explained it to the guy and he explained it to the other people and they treated me like a leper for the rest of the shift. It was fabulous.... No but seriously, what the hell? I don't know how I'm going to make it through the rest of the semester. I hate to be that person but I HATE MY JOB... and if there wasn't a lot more at stake I'd have just gone home or something. It's just too much for me. That stuff is pretty demanding, and I couldn't handle it before, and I haven't gotten any more adept at handling it now. School is difficult enough without the distraction of getting sucked into workplace drama. I don't know how I'm going to handle it, but I'd totally be open to any suggestions at this time.

From a different perspective....



Ironically, I had this epiphany about 2 hours into my second shift why cafeteria workers always look so miserable or depressed all the time. I don't know. Maybe you know some nice and pleasant ones, you may even know me, I try to put off that vibe when I'm working, mostly because I'm grateful that anyone even acknowledges me when I'm donning the hairnet. But seriously, it got me thinking about people who cop the "reverse discrimination" plea at places like U of M and Georgia. Those people complain that they don't think that it's fair that minorities get preferrential treatment for need based scholarship and work study programs. The reality is that most of those people get dumped in the sh*t jobs that nobody else on campus wants to work. The usually have loans, have difficulty adjusting to the curriculum because the revenue generated by their schools or the administration didn't have the foresight to adequately prepare for the collegiate experience and consequently they have to work like umpteenth times harder just to keep caught up, and they get treated like crap. They slave under inhumane conditions, and they're forced to grin in bear it or forever be tarnished with a reputation for having an attitude problem and targeted to be followed around and harassed.

Is there support for people like this? I doubt there's like a student cafeteria workers' or janitors' union or something. No they get treated like crap by their supervisors and yelled at by chefs and ignored by their fellow classmates. I'd love to see those people who are so quick to criticize the current affirmative action do some of that kind of work for any amount of time. But they take that kind of stuff for granted, the fact that a lot of these people are probably able to tolerate this kind of nonsense because it's probably the kind of work they were forced to do back home and they're used to it. Hell, they've earned those scholarships. As for me, I did it, but I'm old enough to have sense enough to know what is acceptable for me or not. That's just a little to intense for me, and by a little I mean a lot. I had to go out and smoke just to calm my nerves so that I could stop bawling. Thank goodness my RA was able to understand where I was coming from. If you go to my other site you can probably get a better sense of what I've dealt with and why this is so hard for me. I'm going to have to develop some better coping mechanisms if I'm going to stick this out. otherwise I'm going to have to make some drastic executive decisions.

I only lasted as long as I did in the industry as long as I did because there was unlimited access to alcohol and cigarettes for me and here, not so much. This is like a whole new paradigm for me. I've gotten so accustomed to taking things slowly and focusing on specific areas one at a time that when I get "weeded" I sort of hit the wall in terms of knowing how to deal with that. I don't quite know what avenue I'm going to take. But I think that I may have to hit the gym or something before shifts just to build up the energy and tolerance to patiently get through my shift. I just hope they don't start treating me like I'm the special ed kid or something because of it.

Back to the present...

On the school front, I'm slowly but surely coming into my own. I had a few meetings within the past week and I learned that some of the things that I was counting upon, like doing my independent study and graduating on time are not going to happen the way I anticipated, but I'm just going to make the most of it and try to stick it out.... and develop some contingency plans. The most direct route will require an additional 6 years of school, but perhaps I can come up with something that is better suited to my needs. I don't know. We'll get it figured out. Or at least I can try. I may just do it and go for the dual degree, but I don't know how I'd be able to afford an additional 2 years of school, so if anyone has any ideas on how to accomplish that I'd be open to suggestions on that as well.

My classes are enjoyable, particularly the math and chinese [my most difficult subjects] at least for right now. Tech is a godsend. We watched a video on environmental intelligence and the impacts of sustainable design on industry and it was an affirmation for why i had chosen to do the things that i'd wanted to do. now i just need to fine tune my specifications for getting there and find more videos to watch along that area whenever i'm feeling overwhelmed or burnt out. the excitement of it makes me want to get out of bed in the morning. Yay! The people, are cool. They respect that I'm busy, and when I can make the time they enrich my experience, so I'm pleased with that. Even the instructors provide the attention that I need and they have some excellent resources to help me determine how to best accomadate my transition and educational needs. I couldn't tell you how the other stuff works though because I really haven't had the time to explore it.

It's just as well. I am on a very specific path, and these things are merely obstacles. I have made a committment not to settle for anything less than what is best for me. Perhaps if I remember that it will be the affirmation I will be able to use as my guide. So how do I determine that? Should I stick it out or seek something else? I suppose the best thing I can do is wait and see how things play out Thurday and then I'll be more equipped to decide.