Sunday, May 10, 2009

Afraid to Fly (reposted)

"You were Born with Wings, Why Prefer to Crawl Through Life" ~Rumi

I have never felt so demotivated in my life, and I am finding myself fighting everyday to just stay focused upon what I should be doing, so I can move forward. I've had to really begin fighting just to get myself to follow through on things. I know I'm pretty burnt out. But the truth is, it isn't an excuse to stop going and I understand that now. I have found tremendous strength and resilience to keep on pushing through, stay on the grind, but there are sometimes when that is not enough. I'm finding it harder to get out of bed, harder to be punctual, to stay committed. I used to be on such a corporate time schedule. Now, I have somehow become the epitome of the overworked demotivated student. I don't want to be a clique. I added some responsibilities for the next year, like SIFE and accepted an advisory position for the SGA [the power minus the commitment] so hopefully that will force me to tighten up a bit. ] I think the problem is that right now I have no one to be accountable to besides myself... which would be fine if my authentic self weren't so fond of fun and naps.

"We can easily manage if we will only take, each day, the burden appointed to it. But the load will be too heavy for us if we carry yesterday's burden over again today, and then add the burden of the morrow before we are required to bear it." ~Newton

Who you tellin. How do I balance my adult self, the one with all of these responsibilities with the part of me that once to yield from time to time and enjoy life to the fullest? The only thing I have done to resolve it is to get up earlier and try to squeeze a few extra hours out of the day. That means I get to enjoy later afternoon naps and I get two days out of one. The problem is, I keep squandering the free time I gain during the bottom half of the day. You know what the problem is: Facebook. Well actually, that's not entirely true. I was barely on it this week until Thursday when I just shut down. But yesterday I wasn't on it and still nothing really got done, [I know, but it was Friday]. To be honest, I think my sensible adult self is still programmed to real world expectations where taking a weekend or getting rest or going for an early morning hike, or doing laundry is permissible because it is a sign of balance. Unfortunately, it seems that with all of the power outages, mini dramas, and so on that perhaps I am overwhelmed because what was carefully scheduled out gets pushed back onto the things that I've put off and I'm stuck with a whole mess of things that I need to do and I no longer have the will to want to do them.

“When you get right down to the root of the meaning of the word "succeed," you find that it simply means to follow through.”

~ F. W. Nichol [ I suppose this means I should start on my assignments]

See this is what it has come to in order for me to get work done. I have to limit the procrastination that I do engage in, to specific pursuits. The video above was fun, but I've tightened the parameters very specifically to personal development, or things that can help me with my assignments and only after given intervals. I just got an assigment done. Which is why I'm on here. One down and a jillion piling up. I can't wait for this semester to be over.

So Rumi, you're right. But it isn't that I crawl because I like being stuck in the mud, I think the fear of doing the work it takes to fly is what's keeping me down. Following through for me is what it's going to take for me to get to fly.... or perhaps I'm still going through some growth...


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